My Life Or Death Wish List
by Graffiti2DMyHeart
Summary: JD is madly in love with Dr. Cox and when he finally musters up the courage to confess...something tragic happens. Now Perry needs to find the one person who can give him salvation. He just wishes someone would look at him DAMMIT. JDCox
1. My Lost Oppertunities

**Faust's Author Note: This has an EPIC plot. I've been working on this for awhile, so enjoy! It's a really good plot, so please read this, even if you don't like the pairing It's long...really. Really long. Get comfortable.**

**Pairing: JDCox**

**Disclaimer: I don't own. If I did, then Dr. Cox would be having an affair with Aunt Carol.**

**JD's POV**

Love can be a strange thing. When I finally believe that I found the perfect girl, my mind would automatically reject her, causing me endless days of pain and discomfort with the thought of, _"Will I ever find the one that is right for me?" _looming over my head. It was as if I wasn't compatible with anyone.

"Newbie, come."

Dr. Cox ordered me to follow him into a patient's room. I was at his side in seconds, not questioning why, just instinctively doing what he asked of me, hoping to receive any rare bits of praise. I immediately stopped in my tracks as realization hit me harder than a Japanese bullet train.

_**"Oh my God, I have a crush on Dr. Cox!"**_

I instantly plunged my mind into denial, figuring that I must have been a little shaken since the last break up I had. (It had been with Danny) My mind latched onto the closest woman I had in my life. Elliot. There was a problem though; Elliot had her perfect boyfriend, Sean, who had moved back down here from New Zealand just to be with her.

I kept pushing myself onto her until I had finally convinced her and I that we were meant to be together. The moment I had her in my arms, my life seemingly complete, and my mind unleashed what it had buried.

_**"I'm in love with my Mentor!"**_

The thought echoed throughout my head as I held her in my arms. I had ruined Elliot's chance at happiness. After the nasty breakup, I found myself constantly thinking about him. This time though, I wasn't looking just for praise, I desperately searched his face for any emotion, affection, or even love...

Some time has past since my epiphany and I have come to terms with my feelings towards Dr. Cox. In my opinion, we had become closer. We both knew that he didn't exactly hate my guts. Yeah, great start there. Still, that was at least a step forward, and with Dr. Cox, a step forward was like molasses going uphill...on crutches. Soon, looking just wasn't enough. I snuck in touchies whenever I could and when I thought I could get away with it, I said his name.

Whenever I uttered the word, "Perry", it always felt good on my tongue, and I would dreamily chant it to myself, as if it was a good luck spell. I guess this is what "un-conditional love" is. God this sucks. I had to pick one of the most handsome men that could easily carry me off in his arms as well as kill me if he knew my little secret. He and Jordan had never officially got back together so I knew that I had borrowed time. I didn't want to destroy the beautiful relationship that had been so hard to build, but after years of growing closer, I believed that it was time for a confession. Time to get this heavy weight off of my chest...

"Fweet! Come on Felicity, look alive!" Dr. Cox whistled at me as he woken me up from my stupor.

"He still calls me a girl's name, that doesn't change." I had been planning on how to tell him for the past week, but the scenarios that ran through my head had not gone well.

-"Dr. Cox! I love you!" I had blurted it out to his back while he was walking away from me after a long days work. He slowly turned around, mulling over my confession, his expression unreadable. "What did you just say, Caroline?" He questioned dangerously. "Eeeep!" Was all I could squeak out before I found myself being tossed off of a cliff with Dr. Cox yelling after me, "You girl!"

Okay, that one didn't go so well but...

- "Hey, Dr. Cox, will you come with me for a second?" I innocently ask. We were outside the hospital doors and both of us had just gotten off of our shifts. "What now?" He complained, "Can't you put on your floral dress yourself without having to ask me for help?" I ignored the jab at my manliness and continued to beg him. It was now or never. "Please?" I batted my baby blue eyes (That he couldn't resist, it's my ultimate weapon!) at him. He sighed with defeat, but allowed himself to be led off by the hand on to a platform in the middle of the hospital parking lot. I held his big, calloused hand and stared deep into his eyes, almost getting sucked into them. Surprisingly, he didn't remove his hand that was now being caressed in between mine.

Out of nowhere, people from the hospital and from the town crowded around the platform, all waiting, expectant to hear of what I had to say.

"Perry?" I started eyes downcast, not daring to look up.

"...Yes J.D.?" He hesitantly asked.

I took in a deep breath and looked upward, my eyes locking in with his.

"I...I love you."

It felt as if all of the oxygen had left the atmosphere. No one dared to make a sound as the older doctor's face contorted into surprise. My breath hitched as I thought I was going to hear a denial, but then his face broke out into a beautiful smile, dazzling the crowd and me.

"Me too.

" The audience "awed", clapped and cheered as he dragged me off to his apartment where he slowly turned to face me and...tied me up with rope and threw me into the ocean while shouting, "Love you? HAH!"

The rough waves seemed almost comforting compared to a broken heart. -

Either one did not have a good outcome.

"Ahh!" I jumped when I realized that the object of my adoration was right in front of me, staring straight at me.

"Oh darn, and here I thought we had lost you for good." he chided.

_"You would miss me too much." _I teased in my mind.

"That's what you like to think." he joked back.

Sometimes my mouth would say what was on my mind without my consent. "I should keep it under a tighter leash..." Back a few years he would never allow this kind, or ANY kind of conversation.

"Here, try not to kill anyone, will you?" He handed me my patients chart and then stalked off before any other interaction could take place.

"Still can't get to close, can ya Per?" I muttered under my breath.

I walked into my patient's room and decided to increase the anesthesia by 10 milligrams. The patient, Mr. Christensen, had been experiencing arm pain and after days without the pain going away, he decided to finally get checked up. The thing is, it was completely a surgical ordeal, so there was nothing I could really do besides lessening his pain with drugs while he waited to be prepped for surgery. I scribbled down the order and handed in the chart at the Nurse's Station.

"Slow day, isn't it?" I began, trying to make a conversation to ease my boredom and to take my mind off of the painful confession that always had horrible outcomes. I had to stop thinking about it, otherwise I would back out and it would take forever to work up the courage to even consider telling him.

"Let's get the lead out Madison. Stop gossiping about what color you should paint your nails with the other nurses. Just stick with the light blue you always use and get back to work." Dr. Cox fit this in while busily walking past the station where I was resting.

"Okay...Perry." I murmur quietly.

I watch him walk away importantly until he was out of my sight. I sighed, savoring the last image I caught of him, replaying what he just said moments ago over and over again in my head.

"Having fun Bambi?" Carla asked amusingly with a knowing smile on her face.

_"Uh-oh. Carla knows all. She can read minds! Quick! Think of something not relevant to Dr. Cox at all! Damn it! She probably heard that. Just act natural."_

"Care to share?" She questioned.

I leaned as far away as I could from her without falling off of the counter and searched for an answer. _"Quick! Think of something that's not smothered in gay!"_ Before I could thoroughly think of a smart reply to the Latino Nurse's question, I spluttered out,

"I-i like boobs too you know!"

Upon announcing that to half of the hospital, I quickly ran into the nearest coma patient's room to hide before anyone could react to the previous statement.

Hours Later-

I was finishing my shift and I only needed to diagnose my last patient for the day. "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Davis?" I began.

"Well, I wasn't feeling well when I came in today for my physical, then I felt chilled and nauseated. I was already here, so they admitted me. God, I feel awful." She explained to me.

"You sure look awful."

"Excuse me?" She exclaimed.

"_Dammit, stupid head! Stop saying things out loud, it gets you in trouble!" _"Ah, no Mrs. Davis, I was saying that you looked...awe-full. As in...umm...full of awe about your symptoms." She gave me a rude huff and rolled over so her back faced me.

Dr. Cox entered the room with a coffee in hand and the other behind him and complained, "Aren't you done yet Newbie?"

"Almost," I replied. "I just have to subscribe Mrs. Davis to some meds and then I'm done. Why? Are you finished?"

Dr. Cox glared at me from over his coffee.-which I bet was black by the way. Icky. - He sharply responded, "Well gee Cassie, I am done because I don't go chatting it up with my patients like it's some kinda country club."

I finished writing down the patient's stats on the chart and I placed it in the slot at the foot of the bed.

"All Done!" I announced happily.

Dr. Cox pulled his left arm out from behind his back which was hidden the whole time to reveal a second cup of coffee.

"Here." He grunted, offering it to me.

I stared blankly at it for a second before realizing that Dr. Cox had just bought me coffee. Delight filled my eyes as I gratefully accepted the much needed caffeine. Before I could utter a word of gratitude though, he interjected with a quick explanation.

"Well, the moron who does the coffee at the shop messed up my order and he let me keep the faulty coffee. So here, a crappy coffee for a crappy doctor."

"What do I have to do to prove to you that I am a good doctor? Save your life?" I snorted.

I took a sip from my beverage and despite my best efforts; a grin was placed on my face.

_"I doubt the coffee guy accidentally puts in this much cream and sugar. You're just too damn cute, Per."_

We were both fully caffeinated, so I found this to be the perfect opportunity. But where would this event take place? My apartment? Nah. He probably wouldn't agree to go there with me, plus he would pick out things in my apartment that were girly and he would ridicule me for months on end. I thought of the next best place. His apartment. There were two flaws in that though. One was that it was difficult to get in. Only Jordan when she wanted something or people who weren't his friends were allowed in. And Two. There were no witnesses for when he brutally murders me. (Which had already happened 65 times in my head.)

_I guess that I'm over exaggerating a bit. He wouldn't really kill me...right? RIGHT? Come on mind! Give me some reassurance here! _

_..._

_You've been so helpful._

I decided that the local pub would be the best location for this whole ordeal. I figured that there was no way it would work if he was sober. Plus, there were people there to stop him if he chooses to close his strong hands over my pigeon-neck. That's probably the only place he would ever agree to go with me outside the hospital. Or maybe staying there if we coincidentally met. I didn't care where as long as there were people to help me. Or pitch in with the beating. Oh what am I getting myself into? I should just forget about all of this. Yeah right. And totally forget and ignore all of my emotions and feelings for the past years. That's as ludicrous as saying that unicorns aren't real. The very thought of it sickens me. Still, it wasn't right. What did I expect him to do? Maybe he would accept my love for him and he would take me and we would have hot, wild sex late into the night. And maybe Ted would finally move out of his mother's house.

Both were highly unlikely.

Okay, so I agreed it was best to not ask him out to the bar.

"Hey Dr. Cox, wanna go grab a drink?"

_Curse you! Stupid mouth! Why do you openly defy me? Even though, there was no way he would ever agree to-_

"Sure? Why not Newbie." He agreed.

_It must be fate._

As we exited the hospitals doors, I tried to suppress the smile that was grower larger by the second. Surely he wasn't going to let me drive Sasha all the way to the bar? I happily followed him to his Porsche, hoping that he had forgotten about the whole "Root Beer" incident. "Where do you think you're going, Lucy?" At first I though he was going to make me take my scooter there, but he jabbed his thumb in the direction of the back seats. "It's still the back for you." As you can tell, he's still a bit sour about it. I crawled onto the leather in the back and scanned the seats for root beer residue. To my surprise, there was none.

"I wonder if he got an inside car wash..." My head tilted to the left and my mind wandered.

**JD's Inner Mind Theater.**

-Dr. Cox drove his Porsche into a car wash, but instead of staying inside, he quickly hopped out. As soon as the older doctor was out of the way, soap suds started to streak the windows from the inside of the car. Water filled the inside and a sponge constantly reappeared to wipe the glass. A man with a red jumpsuit and a navy blue cap on was running the station and he walked up to Dr. Cox to compliment his car. "She's a beaut', that one." "Yep, I like to take good care of her." Dr. Cox proudly responded. They were both admiring the car and both men jumped, startled, when they saw a hand clawing at one of the windows. "Ah...Sir? You made sure to take everything out before we began washing, right?" Dr. Cox scuffled over to his Porsche as he complained, "Ah, hell. I think I left Newbie in there."

-"Cars would be clean inside and out. Although some kinks need to be worked out..."

Dr. Cox glanced up in the rearview mirror to look at me. "Here I thought, for once, you were actually abiding by the "no talking" rule we have in the car."

"Since when?" I exclaimed.

"Well, I thought you knew about it ever since you got into my car. Now if I could only get you to follow the "no talking" rule that I have between you and me."

_"Hah, not likely."_ I snort in my head.

I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the drive, not wanting to risk ruining this one time opportunity I had. I was beginning to wish that I hadn't left my scooter back at the hospital. It was my only thing to escape with. I looked up out of the window and recognized the bar as we pulled into its parking lot. We were here. _"Okay..." _I nervously thought as I scrambled out of the car. _"I've got to keep a level head. No getting drunk and ruining it by saying something stupid."_

-Later-

"Soes I...soes I was sayin'" I slurred. My face scrunched up in concentration as I tried to produce words that made any sense. "Why does they...why do they make barstools soes easishy t-to fall offa..."

Okay, so maybe I was a little tipsy.

Dr. Cox had a handsome smile splayed across his face. I'm glad that I could blame the alcohol for the flush on my face, but it wasn't only the liquor that made my face hue turn a few shades redder than normal.

It was funny to watch him, because he would catch himself having a good time and try to frown, but then I'd say something silly and he'd break into a grin all over again. It was like there was a war waging between a smile and a frown and it was all taking place on his face.

"Newbie, they make em like that so they can identify idiots from a distance."

Dr. Cox took another swing from his beer. At least he didn't have a speech impediment when he was drunk. Damn, he could hold his liquor. I had ordered an appletini when we had first sat down at the counter, but then quickly canceled it because Dr. Cox was giving me the death glare. Now we had drunk...1...2...3...5...countless beers.

"Yous are...so drunk..." I slobbered, leaning on the counter in order to stay upright. "All of yous..." I pointed randomly in Dr. Cox's general direction.

"Guess I'm driving." Dr. Cox chuckled.

"Why?" I drunkenly questioned. "I can jest drive me scooter home..."

"Newbie," Dr. Cox interjected. "Never mind the fact that you are in no condition to drive, you didn't even bring your sad excuse of a vehicle."

He then sniggered into his bottle, taking another generous sip. I was a teetotaler, so my mind was clouded from the alcohol and I was confused.

"How didz I git heare than?" I wondered aloud.

Dr. Cox amusingly shook his head at me and took another drink from his liquor.

"Maybe you flew here."

I nodded my head, accepting that as a logical explanation.

"Gess I ma takin' a t-taxi home."

Dr. Cox finished his beer. "Nah, I'll take ya. I doubt the taxi guy would even understand a word you say."

"Is you imply...implying that I m drunk?" I giggled.

_"Dammit! I act really cutesy when I drink too much!" _

Dr. Cox took out his wallet and paid the tab before answering. "Yes."

I noticed that most of the bill was from my drinks and that he had paid for it. I realized that he didn't drink that much because he was responsible for driving me home.

"Okay," I continued. "Can a drunk guy do this?"

I positioned myself on the barstool and twirled around in a 360, but half-way there I lost my balance and I had to latch both hands onto the seat to keep myself from falling. Dr. Cox barked with laughter at my near fall.

While being dizzy from the mixture of twirling and alcohol, I remembered that I came here to do something.

Con...Con...convict?

Contest?

Confessional?

CONFESSION!

A drunken confession is the perfect way because I can blame it all on the liquor. I can also say that I mistakened him for a really hot Irish chick. Who likes cocks. And she's a doctor. There's not enough alcohol in the world I can consume to make me see that.

I had to tell him. It was either or never!

"Dr. Coxsh..." I spluttered. "Aye...aye gots ta' tell ya somethin'..."

He turned his head towards me, his ears attentive to listen to my every word.

"What is it, Newbie?" He asked.

"_Crap. I practiced for hours! Why is my mind going blank at a time like this?" _

"Well...ish rely importants." I stalled.

_"Oh my God. All I could think about was that he was staring at me and I was staring at him back. Why does he have to be so damn handsome! Come on. Just say it. Those 3 words."_

My blue eyes interlocked with his, not daring to look away as my lips began to form the words that have been hidden away in my mouth for years.

"I...I lo-" "SO I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT."

The tense situation was broken by my cell phone that went off with the ringtone "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls to alert me that Elliot was calling. I cursed under my breath as I broke the gaze and answered the call. "Hello?" Dr. Cox grinned devilishly and bit his tongue at an insult that was building up my ringtone.

"Oh! Glad I caught ya! Sorry to call so late, or should I say early? It all depends on how you look at it. I'm surprised that you're still up."

I held the phone away from my ears because her high-pitched voice was not helping my on-coming headache.

"Well anyways, JD, I was wondering that since you were off tomorrow and I have a late shift, do you maybe wanna hang out?"

Ever since I lived by myself in my apartment, I hadn't really seen Elliot that much outside the hospital.

_"Wait, I was off tomorrow? Since when? Oh well. Cool."_

I was thankful for the day off because I knew that in the morning I would have a huge hangover. I also couldn't hangout with her because I could be in a really pleasant place, or dead in a ditch. I instantly sobered up at the sound of her voice, echoing in my ear.

"Nah, Elliot." I groaned. "I can't."

Dr. Cox started to mimic movement of him punching someone's head. I'm guessing that it was meant for Elliot.

"But why not?" She screeched.

Dr. Cox could clearly here her loud voice over the whole bar.

"We haven't hung out in forever! Just because I-"

Dr. Cox snatched the phone from my grasp and closed it, hanging up on her. "Much better." He growled.

"I don't know if I should be mad at you or thank you." I beamed as I made Dr. Cox snigger at my comment. "I mean, I like Elliot and all, but the alcohol amplified her voice and it was making my ears bleed."

"That is what it's like for me the whole time." he grunted.

"Are you drunk 24/7?"

"I wish."

My head was pounding and it was getting harder and harder to concentrate. It would do no good if I confessed and he didn't understand one word of it.

"D-Dr. Cox...I have ta say that's... I...I lov-"

At that exact moment, Dr. Cox chose to look at the clock that was hanging up on the wall. "Holy shit," he cursed. "Hey, Newbie?" He cut me short. "I actually have a day off and guess what? It's tomorrow. Well, now it's today, but still that's not the point. The thing is I would really like to spend some of it, I dunno, maybe relaxing at home for a bit? Come on. Let's go."

_"What time was it?"_ I glanced up at the clock and saw it was pushing 3 a.m.

_**"OHMYGOD!"**_

I looked around the bar and noticed that hardly anyone was here. The bartender was glaring at us, silently hating us for making him stay up this late. _"What time did we get here? How long have we been here?" _I searched my memories and came up empty-handed. Still, I couldn't leave until I confessed my love for him. The problem was that a nauseous feeling was accompanying my massive headache.

Dr. Cox stood up to leave and waited for me to follow. I wearily stood up, barely feeling my legs. I took a couple steps forward, testing my maneuverability. It seemed okay to walk. _"See? I am not that drunk."_ I thought as I tripped up the steps, almost falling if Dr. Cox hadn't caught me. God I felt awful. My hands were intertwined with the front of his coat. I was directly in front of him and his face was so close to mine that I could feel his hot breath on my face, tingling it.

"I...have ta say...sum thin'...now."

I was going to say it. My tongue felt like lead in my mouth, but I still pushed on, not wanting to miss the last chance I had. His lips were inches from mine.

"Yes, JD?"

Upon hearing my name I was almost in ecstasy. Say it now, dammit!

"I...I...I have to throw up."

I realized that I was going to hurl in a couple seconds. I hurriedly stumbled out of the bar and threw up in the back alley behind the bar. _"Great. There was no way I'm kissing anyone with this mouth." _I bitterly spat as tears welled up in my eyes that was not just from emptying the contents that I had previously drunken. I had blown it. (Literally.) I lost any opportunities I had. Now I was going to wallow in my own self pity for weeks. I guess my fantasies will never become reality.

I had my forehead pressed against the concrete as silent tears ran down my cheeks. I jumped slightly when I felt a large hand clamp down onto my back, but I untensed when he asked, "You okay, Newbie?"

_"No, I feel horrible and sick all over because I love you, idiot." _

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I was thankful that the sun hadn't risen yet and it was still pitch-black outside so that Dr. Cox couldn't see me cry. It would only give him more reasons to call me a girl. I quickly wiped my eyes dry before he could notice.

"Come on; let's get you to the car."

He put his right arm under mine so he had a firm grip around my skinny torso. He swung my left arm over his shoulders and weaved his fingers in between mine as he led me to his car. Amazingly, he gently set me down into the passenger's seat. "_And all it took was getting insanely drunk and blowing chunks everywhere to regain back the privilege of front seat."_

The drive back to my apartment was a blur to me. I barely remembered Dr. Cox helping me out of his car and hoisting my half-conscious body up to my room. He must have thought I was asleep because he was surprised when I sleepily murmured,

"Thank you, Dr. Cox..."

He gingerly set me on my couch and whispered in my ear,

"You're welcome."

My ear tickled at the feeling of his breath on it. "_Well, it wasn't a complete waste of time...I just wish I told him..." _I thought as I slipped into un-consciousness.

When I woke up, I realized that I had passed out on my couch. I groggily sat up and blearily blinked my eyes, adjusting them to the soft light that a nearby plugged-in lamp emitted. I noticed that a blue blanket was draped over me and an empty trash can was placed beside my head. There was a sticky note attached to it with the message, "Just in case." scribbled on the bright yellow paper. Seconds later after reading the note, my head felt the brute force of my hangover.

"Ugh..." I moaned while pulling the blankets over myself. My hand felt another sticky note on top of the covers. I grasped it and read it aloud.

"Go back to sleep, Sleeping Beauty, before you feel your hangover. I don't envy it."

_"Too late for that."_

I was a bit shocked with myself when I took the "Sleeping Beauty" jab as a compliment.

Despite my head-splitting migraine, I obediently lay my head down on the cushion and peaceful slumber soon found me.

I woke up feeling fully rested and feeling fine. Well, physically fine. Emotionally, I was a wreck.

"I bet I looked like a complete idiot!" I sobbed into my pillow.

I looked at a digital clock at read "6:15 p.m." _"I really slept for 14 hours?" _I must have been exhausted.

I wondered what Dr. Cox was doing at this exact moment. I snorted when I imagined him plopped on his sofa in front of his big screen TV. while watching sports with scotch in hand.

Well, I had lost my chance. My opportunity. My golden moment. The mood was perfect and I had to go ruin it all. _"Stupid bodily functions." _I groaned.

I was so fed up with this. Kill me now. Better yet, let him do it.

I don't know what possessed me to do this, but I snatched my cell phone fro my back pocket in a last effort.

_"Dammit." _There was only one battery bar left on my phone. _"Where the hell is the charger?" _

I searched my place for 4 minutes before giving up, not wanting to waste whatever precious few minutes I had left. _"How long can it take just to say 3 little words?" _I held down the number 6 button because that was his speed dial number and I prayed that he would pick up.

After 7 rings (I counted) he finally answered his phone.

"I see that someone finally woke up from their beauty sleep."

"Doctor Cox! No time!" I interrupted. "I have something really important to tell you that I never got to say at the bar!"

I was hoping that Dr. Cox would notice the urgency in my voice.

"Well Sadie, aren't you chipper this morning?" Obviously, he didn't.

"I thought we had a "no calling" rule too. You've been breaking all the rules lately. One more strike and I'm gonna hafta punish you."

I bet he was either bored or there was no good sports game on.

I quickly took a deep breath and announced,

"Doctor Cox! I lov-" At that exact moment my cell phone decided to die on me.

What are the odds?

_"Why?"_ I silently begged the Gods to stop interfering.

I slowly sank back down onto the couch, feeling strangely drained even though I had just accumulated hours of sleep.

_"That's it. No more options."_

I couldn't afford a home phone, so I didn't have one in the apartment, plus I couldn't drive to his place seeing as my scooter was still at the hospital. I contemplated if sending a note by carrier pigeon would work.

Maybe it's just not meant to be...

Then my eyes caught a hold of my pager that was lying on the coffee table. I delicately picked up my only source to the man I loved.

_"I wonder if I typed in, "I love you" on my pager, would it explode?"_

I didn't like the idea of confessing my love on a page so I just typed in Dr. Cox's pager number, "324" and the message, "Hav 2 say sum thing importnt. Plz com ovr."

My finger hovered over the send button as millions of questions flew through my mind.

_"What if he doesn't get my page? What if he doesn't some? What if I can't tell him? What will I tell him? Will he accept it? Will he love me? Will he hate me?"_

I decided to risk it all and I pushed the button. The pager had the words, "Message Sent" scroll across the screen a couple times. I turned it off to save its battery for work tomorrow since I couldn't find any chargers. I wasn't on call anyway, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I gave out a nervous sigh. Now all I had to do was wait.

-Later-

Two hours had passed already before that I concluded that he wasn't coming. I was curled up into a fetal position on my couch with my blanket tightly wrapped around me. I was grouchy and fed up with myself for being such a coward. How hard was it to just say 3 little words. Why must so much weight be attached to them? I finally set free the tears that were bottling up inside of me for some time now.

"He doesn't care..." I sniff. "He never did...never will..."

I was such a mess. I closed my eyes, willing the salty tears to stop, but even with my eyelids closed, they did not hinder.

I begged for sleep to overtake me, but my body was restless from all the sleep it had received today. I groaned and shakily stood up. There was nothing to do now so I decided to walk to the hospital to get back my scooter.

The night was a bit chilly, so I grabbed my jacket and started to stroll through the city as my mind swam. The bright city lights were all blurred in my vision from my tears. I recognized the flashing lights and alarms of ambulances at the scene of a car crash. I'm a doctor... I thought, but trudged on, figuring that they could handle it. I wasn't feeling up to play doctor at the moment, and I made my way past the scene.

Eventually, the cold air dried my tear-streaked face. I found myself in front of Sacred Heart sooner than I had expected.

_"Time sure fly's by when you're emotionally unstable."_

I trudged over to the spot where I parked Sasha and to my dismay, I found her missing. My mind immediately leapt to one person.

_"Janitor."_

I begrudgingly entered the hospital on my day off in hope that I would track down the man whose hobby was to track me down.

_"It shouldn't be too hard considering."_

I pondered while walking down the all-to-familiar hallways if Turk and Carla were still working. I decided against visiting them because they would know that something was up. I was also half-wishing that Dr. Cox would be here. It wasn't a surprise if he came to work on his days off. Maybe there had been a mix up and he didn't receive my page. Or maybe he dropped his pager into the toilet. Hey, it's happened to me before.

I remembered that Elliot told me she was working the night shift, so I kept an eye out for her. So that I could avoid her. She would want a big, long explanation as to why I hung up on her last night and I wasn't up for that.

I turned the corner and spotted the gray jumpsuit from a distance. The Janitor was pretending to clean a counter by repeatedly going over it with a rag that was probably making it more dirty which each wipe. I tapped his shoulder and he jumped, startled to see me.

"Aaah! Why do you do that?...Must you come here everyday to bug me?" he inquired.

I was not in the mood for this.

"Cut the crap." I demanded, annoyed.

"Two things. One. Gimmie back my scooter and two, have you seen Dr. Cox?"

I was expecting some kind of resistance but was surprised when he complied by sadly answering,

"Your scooter is in the back of the hospital, in the far left bushes." It must be some sort of trick. This was too easy.

"As for mean doctor," he continued. "Well, he's gonna be easy to find."

"Why's that?" I curiously ask.

"Because he's dead."

**Faust's Notes: OH! Cliffhanger! Please be prepared for the next chapter. ;(**

**Love,**

**Faust**


	2. My Final Farewell

**Faust's Notes**

**Prepare to cry like you never cried before! D:**

**Also, no fan art. I'm lazy at the moment. Thank you for the wonderful and…somewhat threatening reviews. I'm not pointing any fingers. cough Bonzodog Cough XD **

**Thank you "Bells of Tomorrow" for pointing out that error. My Mistake! DX**

**This chapter is not that funny. Infact, it's terribly sad. CRY!**

**Enjoy!**

**Pairing: JDCox**

"Because he's dead."

It felt like all of the air was sucked out of the atmosphere. I laughed nervously to lighten the mood.

"That's a pretty half-assed joke."

The Janitor's face remained the same, with genuine pity filling his eyes. Before he could say anything else, I sprinted blindly down the corridor.

"I'm sorry!" He apologetically yelled after me.

The hallways became fuzzy and endless. I was desperately trying to find a way out so that I could breathe. Random faces appeared in my line of vision and then vanished. Millions of names ran through my head, but I couldn't place even one. "It's not true...it can't be...it's all just some cruel joke." All my senses were failing me. I couldn't see, smell, taste, hear, blink, breathe or swallow. I felt nothing. All I could do was run around the hospital like a madman until I bumped into someone. Luckily, I finally recognized someone; the person I had run smack into had been Carla.

She looked up at me and I noticed that her beautiful dark eyes were bright red and puffy, as if she had been crying. My worst fears were confirmed by Carla's face.

"J-JD..." she sobbed."Doctor Cox is...dead!"

A fresh wave of tears dribbled down her face. My whole world crashed down around me. My Mentor. My crush. Was dead. All I was conscious of was that there was light...and then...nothing.

--

When I woke up I found myself alone, lying on a hospital bed with an IV in my left arm. Was I dead?

_"No."_ A little voice rang in the back of my head. _"That would be too easy."_

The previous events of what occurred all came rushing back to me. Dr. Cox was dead. I didn't even get to tell him how much he meant to me. How much I loved him.

I lie in the bed wondering, _"Why?!" "How!?" _I didn't have enough strength to get up. I was curious to know how long I was passed out. My hand weakly reached down to the side of the bed and I pressed the "call nurse" button. A woman who looked vaguely familiar and was wearing floral scrubs hurriedly entered the room.

"Are you okay, Dr. Dorian?"

"No, I...yes. I'm fine."

Her question was referring to my physical state, not my mental. I slowly sat up, swung both feet over and planted them on the ground.

_"Careful, Dr. Cox isn't going to catch you this time if you fall."_

Tears that I had been fighting to keep back overflowed and spilled down my face and started to dot my jeans.

"Oh, Dr. Dorian..." the nurse cooed as she moved to help me.

"No!" I shot out. "I can do this all on my own."

"You're no superman." she reminded me.

No, but he was.

I carefully stood up and took out my IV. "Please get Carla." I begged. There must have been a lot of emotion in those words because the nurse's eyes began to water and she quickly rushed off to fulfill my request.

"Now what?" I wondered as I gazed out of the window. The golden sun was peaking over the horizon. I figured that I had arrived at the hospital around 9 at night and now it was morning. I began to cautiously pace the room, determining that it was okay to walk.

Carla entered the room and hugged me from behind. She cried into the back of my jacket, soaking it with her tears. I thought that I was done crying, but now more tears gushed out. My heart was already ripped in two, but hearing her cry of anguish tore it into bits. After sometime, we couldn't produce anymore tears.

"B-bambi..." Carla gave a muffled sob.

I didn't bother to dry my eyes as I turned to face her. She looked miserable with her hair frazzled everywhere and her makeup smudged all over her face with mascara trailing down her face.

_"I hope it dosen't stain my jacket."_

"You look horrible..." she sniffed while tucking in a loose hair behind my ear.

"Look who's talking." I mumble back.

Silence filled the room for awhile before I finally asked the question I had been dreading.

"How did he...die?..."

I guessed that he accidentally took pills with alcohol, or that someone had murdered him. I wondered if there was someway I could prevent it somehow.

"He was in a car accident. He was killed by a drunken driver."

_"The irony of that."_

She recollected herself and continued. "It happened really close to the hospital, he was closer to your apartment though." My heart dropped into my stomach. He had never stood me up; he was driving towards my apartment the whole time. My legs gave out from under me. Luckily, I was close enough by my hospital bed to catch myself on it.

"JD!" Carla exclaimed, worriedly.

"I'm fine." I reassured her.

My words sounded dead to my ears. Carla dabbed her eyes and sat down with me on the bed before continuing.

"Since the accident took so close to you, we thought you would be one of the first there. When we figured that you weren't in the ambulance, we tried to get a hold of you, but you weren't answering!"

I remembered that my cell phone died and I had turned off my pager, becoming unreachable to the outside world. I mentally kicked myself for misplacing the chargers. I tried to compose myself so I wouldn't have another crying spell. I couldn't take much more of this before I broke.

"What...what street? What street did..." I searched for the right words. "...all of this...happen?"

Carla folded her hands in her lap and stared down at them.

"Elm Street."

That was the main road between my apartment and the hospital. "How did I miss that?" Memories of me walking to the hospital flowed through my mind. I didn't miss it. I walked right through it. Earlier my mind wouldn't even fathom the idea that my Mentor was only a few feet away from me. The bright, flashing lights and ear-piercing siren sounds filled my ears while I recalled the memory. It was my obligation as a doctor to help and I blew it off in search of the man who, at the time, needed a doctor the most. The multi-colored lights would not leave my vision and the sirens volume steadily increased. The room began to spin, and I had no clue what was going on. Carla's lips were moving, but I couldn't hear her, or anything in that matter, over the alarms in my head. My doctor side took over and I realized that I was hyperventilating. I tried to take control over my body, but my mind wouldn't let me. My thoughts were screaming at me and suffocating me.

_"ITS ALL YOUR FAULT HES DEAD!" "MAYBE IF YOU WOULDN'T BE SUCH A WUSS AND CONFESS, HE WOULDNT BE GONE." "IF YOU WERN'T SO SELFABSORBED IN YOUR EMOTIONS YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HIM!" "IF YOU HAD BEEN THERE, HE WOULDN'T BE GONE!" "HE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!"_

Carla went into nurse mode and did what she though was best.

She smacked me across the face. Hard.

Her tear-filled eyes were full of fiery passion and her voice was deep and dead serious.

"You listen to me. And you listen to me good. I know what is going through your mind right now and let me tell you this. You are wrong. Don't you DARE go and blame yourself for not being able to save him. There's nothing you could have done."

She walked out, leaving me with a stunned face and a hand caressing my stinging cheek.

Carla thought that she knew best but...she didn't know that I COULD have done something. I could have done a lot of things.

--

I decided to visit the morgue. I wanted to see him one last time before they shipped him off somewhere. I hesitated at the handle of the door that had the letters "Morgue" displayed across it. The horrid stench of the dead filled my nostrils when I entered the room. You never forget the smell of death. It was one of the worst smells in the world.

I noticed Doug hovering over a body and I walked over to him.

"Hey, Doug..." I started.

He jumped upon me announcing my presence.

"Ahh!...JD? Aww...don't scare me man. I still think that he's gonna come back to life any minute and strangle me." He took out his cherry-flavored lollipop and motioned with it towards a body. His body.

I carefully made my way over to it and my breath was caught in my throat when I slowly took in what I saw. I almost didn't recognize it at first, until I saw the fiery orange curls that I so desperately wanted to run my fingers through. His face was badly bruised and his body was mangled and contorted. I was thankful that the black body bag covered up below his abdomen, seeing as the injuries became worse the lower it got.

"I had already bagged him a little while ago...but people kept coming in to see him, so I just finally left him out." Doug explained.

I tenderly brushed my finger over his jaw line, savoring the last feeling of his rough face against my fingertips.

_"Bulletproof my ass."_

I looked over my shoulder and noticed that Doug had given me some space. He was busily writing information on some tags.

I returned my gaze back at Dr. Cox. I had been holding back more tears, but finally a drop fell and landed on his left cheek. "Sorry." I sniffed as I carefully wiped his face with my hand, batting away the tear with my fingers. "You know," I whispered to him, "I had promised myself not to cry in front of you. It's silly because you were the one who made me cry the most." I started to lazily trace patterns on his skin.

"I don't think an apology card covers death." I weakly joke.

I could imagine him growling at me for my lame attempt at humor. "I just have to say that...I'm sorry. I sorry I couldn't say what I needed to. Now, because I am such a coward, you're dead." Numerous drops fell from my eyes and landed on him. I didn't even bother wiping it off as I leaned over him. I guess I could say it now since he was dead. I took his cold face into my hands and wept,

"I...I love you."

I was half-expecting him to reply to my confession. Nothing. Slowly, I brought my tear-streaked face closer to his and leaned in to place my wet lips on his.

"Hey. JD. I know that you knew the guy, but I gotta put him up." Doug interrupted from behind me.

"Uh...err...yeah." I stuttered. _"You wimp! You can't even take chances when he's dead." _

I longingly looked on at the missed opportunity as Doug closed the bag and shut the door. Now I will never get to taste him. I had lost that chance too.

--3 Days Later--

There had been a small funeral arranged. It reminded me of Ben's funeral. Nothing fancy. Defiantly not in a church. Everyone settled with twenty odd chairs set up outside in the graveyard around his coffin. It wasn't open casket because of the damaged body, so the conversation I had with him –or myself. Depends on how you look at it. - had really been our final farewell.

Previous to the funeral, Carla and Turk burst into my apartment to find me moping around with no clue of what day it was. They had already both been pissed when I hadn't shown up to work the past couple days. Carla received a day off and offered to mourn with me, but I just wanted to spend it alone.

Here I was, surrounded by people who cared for the man who acted like a heartless bastard to everyone. We all filed into seats in the front row and Elliot sat one row behind us. "You gonna cry, Bambi?" Carla gently asked. _"Yeah." _

"…I don't think I can anymore."

Carla offered me a bottle of water that she had smartly brought with her. I politely refused, but she still handed it to me anyway. Within seconds I had guzzled it down out of dehydration. She smiled weakly and pulled out a second one from her purse.

The ceremony began and to our surprise, more people continually began to show up. We recognized people from the hospital and the chairs soon filled up. People were sitting, standing, and kneeling. I never imagined that he would receive this much respect, even after he was gone. I thought it would stop here, but soon patients he had treated started to arrive. Even Kelso was here. All around me, I could see how the older doctor had affected our lives, and the more he affected us when he was living, the more we were hurt by his death.

Elliot was profusely crying from the start. Her face was a mess from her freshly applied makeup smeared all over her. Carla and many others teared up at first, but then finally let it loose. The sobbing grew occasionally louder at times, but then quieted down. Turk, Jordan, the Janitor and Kelso kept their stony faces on and looked very remorseful. As for me? I was devoid of any emotions. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was surprised when I felt wetness on my face. The ceremony was over and hundreds of people filed into lines to say one final goodbye to the coffin. I promptly stood up, wiped my face, and started to walk over to somebody.

"JD! Where are you going?" Carla called after me.

I ignored her and continued on until I was in front of Bob Kelso.

"Dr. Kelso, Sir?"

He looked at me, as if he was confirming something about me in his mind. "Yes, Dr. Dorian?"

I cleared my throat before announcing, "I am taking all of my vacation time starting tomorrow." Surprisingly, he just tiredly nodded his head. "It's going to be hard to manage with the two best doctors gone, but I guess it will be alright."

Not even Kelso's admittance to our skills fazed me. I just kept on a straight face and thanked him.

"Thank you, sir."

I excused myself and stared to exit the graveyard, but stopped in front of Ben's grave. "Don't torture him to much in there." I told the gravestone. "Tell Dr. Cox I said, "Hi." I then started my long walk back to my empty apartment.

**Dr. Cox's POV**

I was lying on my sofa; drinking scotch and surfing rough the stations for any good games. There was none on at the moment. It didn't really matter anyways because my mind was wandering to last night when me and Newbie went out for drinks.

--Previous night--

"Hey Dr. Cox, wanna go grab a drink?"

I was amazed at Newbie's courage to ask me for drinks and I was even more amazed at my answer.

"Sure, why not Newbie?"

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the kid giddily smiling as we walked to my car. I wondered if he remembered the "Root Beer" incident, and I reminded him that he still did not earn back the front seat privileges.

"Where do you think you're going, Lucy?" I pointed my thumb towards the backseats. "It's still the back for you."

--

It surprisingly wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. A drunken Newbie was just…well, adorable. He went full out with the alcohol, oblivious to how much I was actually drinking. I wasn't going to drink that much because I knew I had to drive him home too. I never imagined that Newbie would get this drunk. He started to slur his words and the sight was downright hilarious. I was trying really hard to keep a smile off my face, but eventually I gave up and I decided to not hide my emotions anymore. We exchanged some kind of drunken conversation and I vaguely remembered that Shelia actually giggled once.

I remembered that he wanted to tell me something, but things kept on interrupting him. (Which I found funny.) I smirked to myself as I recalled Newbie almost falling out of his barstool and tripping upstairs and almost falling if I hadn't caught him. He faintly smelled like coconut.

--

"I...have ta say...sum thin'...now."

He said those words with such intensity, that I was forced to listen. A slight tinge of pink covered his face which was dangerously close to mine. He looked lost in my eyes, so I encouraged him. "Yes, JD?" I had used his name. It had felt good.

"I...I...I have to throw up."

He then let go of my coat and clumsily ran out of the bar. "Awww…great." I mutter, angrily. I stepped out into the cool night and squinted my eyes in search for the young doctor. It was too dark to see that far, so I pricked my ears and listened attentively for any kind of sounds. I heard a noise coming from behind the building and I stalked over there in hope to find the younger doctor. Luckily, I found him with his head against the wall. I hesitated, and then patted his back soothingly.

"You okay, Newbie?"

He waited a bit before responding. "Yeah, I'm fine."

The sun hadn't risen yet, but I suspected that we could make it to the car in the dark. "Come on; let's get you to the car."

"_How am I gonna get him there?"_ I thought.

I settled with putting my right arm under his and wrapping my arm around his skinny waist. I swung his other arm over my shoulder for more support and instinctively, my hand laced its fingers in between his. I tried to focus on something other than his thin pale hand entwined with mine, so I concentrated on remembering where I parked. _"I think he fell asleep on me."_

I eventually found it and I gently placed a sleeping Newbie into the passenger seat and strapped him in. The ride to his apartment had been uneventful. When we arrived I opened the passenger's door and was ready to wake him up, but something just stopped me. He looked so…cute. He was snuggled up against the leather that I had oh-so-desperately tried to get all of the root beer off of. He looked so…angelic. As if all of the world's troubles were lifted off of this doctor's shoulders. I shook my head at that last thought and decided to just take him up there without waking him. I found his apartment keys in his pants pocket and I carefully slid him out. He was extremely light and it didn't take much difficulty to get him through his front door. I spotted his couch and determined that that would be the best place to leave him.

After I laid him down, he scrunched up his face, but then relaxed against the cushions. I thought he was sound asleep, and was surprised when I heard Newbie sleepily murmur, "Thank you, Dr. Cox..." I bent down and whispered in his ear, "Your welcome." A lazy smile graced his features and his ear turned slightly pink after the spoken words. I deemed that he truly was sleeping this time and I prepared to leave, but not before doing some things.

I grabbed a garbage can and found a sticky note pad. "Just in case." Was the message I scribbled on it. He was going to have a killer headache when he woke up. Newbie actually shivered in his sleep, so I brought out a blanket I found in his room and placed it over him. I wrote one last message and stuck the note on him. _"I wonder how long it takes for him to notice this one."_ I mused to myself. I stood up and soundlessly closed the door. Before I let go of the handle, I voiced, more so to myself,

"Goodnight, Newbie."

I was exhausted when I finally reached my apartment. I didn't even bother to remove my clothes; I just collapsed on my bed and was out before my head even hit the pillow.

I woke up at around 2:15 p.m. _"I really slept for 10 hours!?" _I ambled boredly around my apartment for a couple hours and settled with sitting in front of my big screen TV with scotch in hand and now I was still surfing through the stations to find a game. "Stupid television with no games on." I mutter while downing my glass. I stood up to refill my glass and my cell rang. I saw that Newbie was calling me. I amusingly answered it, happy to have a distraction.

"I see that someone finally woke up from their beauty sleep."

"Doctor Cox! No time!" He interrupted, sounding urgent. I decided to ignore it and teased him.

"Well Sadie, aren't you chipper this morning? I thought we had a "no calling" rule too. You've been breaking all the rules lately. One more strike and I'm gonna hafta punish you."

"_Maybe he's finally going to tell me what's so important."_ I think to myself. I hear him inhale loudly before shouting, "Doctor Cox! I lov-"

Silence accompanied his voice. I look oddly at my phone. It was fine. Maybe he lost his signal? I waited a couple minutes before trying to call back, so it wouldn't seem that I was interested or anything. It went right to his voicemail. _"That's odd."_

My pager buzzed at my side. I hurriedly snatched it and saw the message, "Hav 2 say sum thing importnt. Plz com ovr." _"Who does he think he is?"_ I snort. _"I could be doing something really important at the moment. Not that I am. But I could."_

I angrily sigh as I felt mixed emotions. I wanted to know what was going on. What was so important, that he had to say? I rubbed my hands over my face before deciding to go. Not before waiting though. I can't make it seem like I was actually eager to go over there. I waited around my apartment for about 45 minutes until I assured myself that that was enough time to keep him waiting. He would always wait for me. No matter how long I took.

I coasted down the highway, with my mind swimming about what he was going to tell me. I recognized the street name, "Elm" and turned onto there. He hit a red light and patiently waited while drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. _"Newbie left his scooter at the hospital. I wonder how he's going to get there. Probably walk because he lives so close."_

The light turned green and I pushed my foot against the accelerator pedal. The coast was clear. While I was crossing a highway, a truck came out of nowhere, speeding through the red light and straight towards me…

EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

My tires spun wildly out of control as I attempted to move my Porsche out of harms way. CRASH!

I felt the impact and all of the air was crushed out of my lungs. My ears were ringing, and I had no idea what my condition was. I assumed that my body had gone into shock. Darkness soon consumed me.

When I woke up, I couldn't move. My Porsche had flipped over and I was trapped under it. I had no clue how long I had been under here. _"Where were those damn ambulances when you needed them?"_ I became aware that it had become difficult to breathe. A warm liquid trailed down my face and I blinked furiously to try to keep it out of my eyes. _"Where was everybody?"_ I could see a little bit of the street through my shattered window. There were people crowding around, but there was no one I recognized. I made the mistake of looking down. I mentally winced at the sight of my legs. Or what was left of them. I focused on staying conscious and breathing. _"Help will come."_ I reminded myself. _"Why wasn't there any doctors in the crowd?!" _The familiar flash of ambulance lights reflected off of the ground. _"Finally." _It had become increasingly harder to breathe. I stuck with deep, large breaths, but it was becoming a chore. Black spots started to spread in my vision. _"No! Dammit! Stay awake!" _

Someone walked among the crowd who caught my eye. It was JD. His face was tear-streaked, and he walked like he was in a daze. I mentally cursed at myself. He probably thought that I wasn't going to come. He didn't see me, so I tried to get his attention.

"J-" I began to yell, but instead of sound, crimson blood came spilling out of my mouth. I coughed, but it still kept coming. The black spots had covered most of my vision, but from what I could see; JD stopped and looked like he was pondering something. Maybe he heard me? He then shrugged and sighed and moved on, out of my sight. I couldn't breathe any longer and I finally closed my eyes, welcoming the darkness as I slowly slipped away…..

_"...I'm...S-sorry..."_

--

When I woke up, all of the pressure on my body was lifted. In fact, I felt weightless. I blinked a couple times and noticed a face hovering over mine.

"Hiya!"

"Oh God. Not you."

**Faust's Notes**

**Well…? Whatcha think? Did you cry? Tell me if you cried, cause then I will cry more too!**

**Oh! BTW, I love when people review and they tell me their favorite parts or lines! That makes me so happy! :D Please continue to do so! Dunno when I'll update. Maybe in a week. Sounds fair? Kay. I'm gonna focus on my art now.**


	3. My Balanced Total

**Faust's Notes: Ugh. I really wrestled with this one. I finally drew a lot of Scrubs pictures, which I constantly update on my fan fiction profile, so now I'm back to writing. Go take a look if you want! :D Plot's being developed in this chapter, so it's difficult. Please bear with me! .**

**I have to give kudos to "Bells of Tomorrow" for guessing who the person in this chapter was going to be. He/she/it guessed that it was Jill Tracy, which is a good guess in my opinion. Wrong, but still good.**

**I know it is currently 2008, but I made it 2006 here in this story because I like them younger. The time does not affect any relationships I have already established, nor does it produce life forces that don't exist in my story.**

**NEED TO KNOW IN THIS CHAPTER****: Dr. Cox's best friend, Ben, is played by the actor, Brendan Frasier, who is also starring in his new movie, "Journey to the Center of the Earth." That's all. Know it.**

"Oh God. Not you."

The man widely grinned at Perry's recognition of him.

"Who else?"

Perry stood up, expecting some sort of pain to shoot through him. Surprisingly, there was none.

"Well," Perry started while testing out his body. "I was either expecting God; which would mean I was accidentally let into heaven, Satan himself would mean that I was in hell; Or Bobo greeting me at the front gates would also mean that I would be in hell."

"And what does it mean if you see me, your best friend?" The man inquired. Perry replied, "It either means that I am dead, hallucinating, or both, Ben."

Ben tilted his head in a confused matter, then shrugged his shoulders and raised his camera unexpectedly and took a picture.

"Aw, what the hell?!" Perry complained, still seeing spots from the flash. "You still carry around that thing?"

"Yep." Ben nodded. "It's attached to me." He threw a silly grin towards Perry, and then frowned. "No, seriously. I can't get it off."

Perry examined his surroundings and saw nothing. All around was a blank off-white. He put his hand in front of himself. They stuck out like a sore thumb because the white enhanced their colors. _"How far did this go on?" _

"Forever."

Ben answered, as if reading his mind. "Some people have gone insane trying to cram it all into their brains. But here's the funny thing, Per. The human mind cannot comprehend infinity. There's always something to replace the previous."

Perry awkwardly laughed. "You're being a little philosophical there, aren't ya, Benny? You used to never think about this kind of stuff."

"Yeah well," Ben chuckled. "I've had time to think, being dead and all."

Perry stopped.

Ben smiled sadly. "We both know that I'm dead. Now you just have to accept that you are."

Perry drew in a sharp breath. The words _"dead" _echoed through his ears. His life was over like that. When he was least expecting it. He thought he would always be ready when he died. But he wasn't expecting it now. He fell to his knees. "No one can predict when they die, Perry." Ben consoled him. "If it helps any, it wasn't your time to go."

Perry snapped his head up. "What do you mean, _"It wasn't my time to go?!"_" He demanded furiously. Ben laughed nervously and raised his hands up in defense.

"Okay, so maybe that dosen't help. But still," he looked up at nothing in particular. "I've said too much. They are gonna get mad at me if I say anything else."

Perry followed Ben's line of vision, but saw nothing.

Perry grabbed the front of Ben's shirt threanengly. "Stop screwing with me! Who the hell are _"they"_? Explain what's going on!" Ben just stared at him. After some moments of Ben's silence and Perry's expectant glare, Ben finally said, "Everything happens for a reason, Perry."

He angrily released him.

"Oh, that makes SO much sense." he spat.

"It will in all due time." Ben reasoned with him.

Perry felt his temper rising. "Be straight with me here Ben. Am I in heaven? I expected it to be more cute and fluffy." Ben snorted. "It would hardly be called heaven then. No, this isn't heaven."

"A purgatory then?" Perry guessed.

Ben shook his head. "You'll notice the missing long line and that annoying secretary lady who shrieks "NEXT!" in that nasally voice.

"Alright!" Perry barked. "I give up. Where am I?"

Ben looked up aimlessly, waiting to receive confirmation on whether to answer that or not. He frowned slightly and settled with an, "I don't know."

"Like hell you don't know!" Perry snarled as he started at Ben. "Hey. Hey! HEY!" Ben began to back up. "I'm just the messenger!"

Perry suddenly froze. "Was it your time to go?" He asked unexpectedly. Ben turned his head in thought.

"Well, yes and no," he began. "My body wasn't ready to go yet, but my mind was. I accepted that I had a short time left on Earth, so I packed up my things and traveled all around the world with no regards to my health. I wanted to explore what Mother Nature gave us before I departed. And you know what? Sure, I miss it but I wouldn't have rather been doing anything else."

Perry knew that Ben was serious, but he couldn't help but joke with his buddy.

"What did you do? Travel to the center of the Earth?"

A smirk crept up on the other man's face. "You can say that."

He continued explaining. "After I had completed everything my heart desired, there was really nothing left to keep me there. The mind is a powerful thing, so it sped up the process of the leukemia, and I died." Ben's light tone then darkened. "I missed you though. That's the downside of being dead."

Perry's gazed softened and he opened his arms to embrace his best friend. It felt nice to hug Ben again. Perry squeezed him tightly and savored the long lost feeling of Ben's arms around him, hugging him back. After some time, it was actually Ben who broke the hug. He looked slightly ticked, but not at Perry. "Okay...okay." He muttered under his breath. "Look, Perry..." he began, choosing his words wisely."There is...a _"problem"_."

"Problem! What kind of problem?!" Perry immediately demanded.

Ben winced at his poor choice of words.

"Well," he hesitated. "You can't quite "move on". Not yet anyway."

Perry fought the impulse to explode. He willed the increasing rage that was building up inside of him away. He wanted answers. Ben knew his best friend and his temper and decided to quickly demonstrate. Ben reached into his left pocket and pulled out two gloves, one laced with silver and the other, gold. There was no apparent light source, but the cloth still glittered with magnificence.

"What? Your trying' to bribe me in the afterlife? Not gonna work." Perry remarked. Ben ignored him and carefully put on the multi-colored gloves. He then retrieved what looked like two jewels from his right pocket and gently placed the jewels on the ground in between them.

One of the stones shown with a bright blue brilliance. Bits of what Perry guessed was sapphire were freckled inside the gem. The other precious stone looked like it had crystallized lava inside. Flecks of gold and rubies sparkled warmly in the center.

"What's this? Some kind of consolation prize because you guys screwed up and now I can't move on?" Perry cracked.

"Just watch." Ben said excitedly. "You'd better back up." he added while doing so.

The two stones lit up and shined it's respective colors while steadily rising in the air. Two large pieces of faded parchment were conjured out of nowhere. The worn papers tumbled down to the ground and continued rolling on. They watched it unravel until it finally stopped. Perry could barely see where it ended. The two gems then unexpectedly shot at the papers and hit it with a splash. The jewels liquefied on their own parchments and it dribbled all the way down to the end until nothing was left. Perry noticed on the left parchment that the blobs of crystal blue started to form shining letters. He read one of the sentences at the top,

_"Gave Paige Cox your lemon lollipop- March 28, 1965-12:55:33 p.m."_

He glanced to the other parchment to his right. It seemed as if magma had hit the paper and it slowly oozed down. Fiery letters glinted dangerously on the surface of the paper. One of the sentences read,

_"Destroyed Maria Renz's Azaleas with scissors- June 30, 1970-3:22:18 p.m." _

Both sheets were littered with hundreds of thousands of sentences.

"What the hell is this?!" Perry demanded.

"Can't you tell?" Ben grinned. "These are the lists of all the good deeds and sins you have ever committed in your previous life." Perry frowned. "I don't believe in this kind of bullshit that you are trying to pull. I bet that I am just dreaming and you are just haunting my dreams. Stop it. It's my day off and I want to actually enjoy it, dammit!"

Ben reached over and pinched Perry's arm.

"Ouch! What the hell was that for?!"

"See? You can feel pain. Not a dream."

Perry stopped. "But if I'm so called, "dead" then how can I still feel pain?"

"The same way you could hug me." Ben answered. "Here in this room, your soul is currently being separated from your body. You are still attached to it right now, so you can still temporarily feel. Here in this location, other souls are solidified and we can touch, but it dosen't mean that we can feel..." Ben trailed off sadly.

"Is being dead really that bad?" Perry asked.

The other man's face was replaced with a small smile.

"It has its up and downs. See, look. Unlimited film!"

He raised his camera, but Perry lowered it.

"Not the time." he growled.

"Exactly!"

Ben beamed and took another one anyways. Perry was still seeing spots when Ben grabbed his back and propelled him through the aisle of papers towards the beginning of it.

"Just trust me." He said in his ear. "Go see for yourself that this isn't a joke." Ben turned him around and pushed him forward.

They began to walk down the seemingly endless aisles of paper. To Perry's right were the shining blue good deeds that were dated in order. He recognized the mentioning's of him taking the beatings his father doled out instead of Paige, and random acts of kindness that he would never think twice about. The deeds transformed into when he helped people out in school, the med school, then when he was a doctor. He saw Jordan's name on the list around the time that they were happily married. He saw JD on there too and his heart panged with sadness. All of the lessons he taught him, and all the times he secretly helped him was listed.

Perry's life was being read in front of his eyes.

On his left though, the sharp, flaming letters seemed to taunt him. It contained stupid mistakes he made as a kid, pranks he pulled, people he bullied; it even recorded the time he had gotten into drugs. Him defying his superiors purposely, him picking on interns, his nasty divorce with Jordan, and a big majority of the list was him calling JD random girls' names.

"I was just teasing him!" Perry protested as he looked at the variety of names. "Yes, but it still hurt." Ben responded.

They were finally reaching the end of the lists. One of the evil deed entries said.

_"Yelled at Martha Dillabourgh outside a grocery store for no reason- October 16, 2006-2:16:08 p.m." _

"Hey! I apologized for that!" Perry exclaimed.

"Then find it."

Sure enough, the other list had,

_"Apologized to Martha Dillabourgh for yelling at her- October 16, 2006- 2:18:36 p.m." _

_"To think that it only happened a week ago." _Perry thought.

At the end of the lists, Perry recognized things that he did on the last couple days he was alive.

_"Went out for beers with John Dorian- October 23, 2006- 10:17:24 p.m." _

"Now how is that a _"good deed"_?" Perry asked.

"Bringing happiness into other people's lives; no matter how great or small..." Ben said wisely.

"...Is that a quote from somewhere?"

"Maybe..."

Perry looked to the other list and saw,

_"Purposely hung up on Elliot Reid- October 24, 2006- 2:47:56 a.m."_

He grinned devilishly. Ben glanced curiously at him. "I know I shouldn't be surprised by this, but you are actually proud of this list, aren't ya?"

"Will I go to Hell if I say yes?" Perry teased.

Ben rolled his eyes, but then broke into a badly-contained grin.

At the end of the two parchments, a thick black line was stained across the surface and the number _"741,954,873"_ was scratched in at the bottom.

Perry pointed, "What does that number at the bottom mean?"

"That," Ben explained. "Is the total number of good or bad deeds you have done."

"But... they have the same amount?"

"Amazing isn't it? And that is your problem. You balanced out. 50-50. You have an equal amount of good deeds and bad deeds. You are stuck in the middle."

"You're kidding me." Perry slumped.

"Well, this is one of the first times this has ever happened; you see, each deed has a level for good or evil. If you notice on the list that some of the sentences glow brighter than some." Perry squinted at the words and realized that every sentence had it's own distinctive shine.

"The brighter they flash, the bigger the meaning was. That means that it was worth more. It's unbelievable that your total came up to equally balance out." Ben tilted his head curiously in thought. "You know, it was really close because you were going to go to Hell, but you surprised us all when you said this." Ben motioned to the last entry on the good list. Perry read it.

"_I'm sorry- October 24, 2006- 8:45:34 p.m."_ The sentence was brighter than the rest, with it's shimmering blue letters dazzling the papers and outshining the rest.

"It was just enough to make it equal." Ben said with a smile.

Perry paused for a moment. "I don't remember saying this…" "You didn't." Ben said simply. "Actually, you couldn't really form words at the moment you did this. But you thought it. Everything on this list is recorded. Not just actions, thoughts too. An apology can mean so much, and right before you died you thought, "I'm sorry." I think it was mainly meant for that kid JD-"

Perry cut him off. "Are you suggesting that in my last moments on the hellhole, no not Hell, Earth, you think that I apologized and it was meant for the one person who annoys the Hell outta me the most!? If by the slightest chance I ever maybe thought those two words, it would probably be meant for the drunken asshole who hit me because I was gonna personally kill him myself!"

Perry took a couple of deep breaths to try to calm himself down.

"Your face is red." Ben pointed out, unhelpfully.

"So, now what?" Perry demanded, frustrated.

"Well, you can't go to Heaven or Hell, so they decided it was best to send you back."

"What?!" Perry exclaimed, almost excitedly.

"Whoa, whoa. Perry." Ben placed his hand on the other's shoulder.

"Remember. You. Are. DEAD."

Perry's face fell.

"Oh crap." Ben cursed.

"What...What?!"

"Look, Per. We don't have much time left. Your soul is almost completely detached from your body. If we don't send you back now, then we will lose that connection and you will be lost forever."

Perry opened his mouth, but Ben silenced him.

"Here's what you do. When you get sent back, don't waste anytime. No one will be able to see you, except one person."

"Who's that?"

"Well, probably who is closest to you. The one who is the most connected to you. More or less, the person who loves you the most."

Perry couldn't help but laugh. "That is so cheesy." He commented.

Ben hastened his directions, "Look, when you find the person, I'll come down there to give you further instructions. It shouldn't be too hard, considering your social life."

"Hah." Perry snarled, catching the jab at him.

"Quickly now." Ben urged. He placed his gloved hands; Silver on the blue good list, gold on the evil list; on the parchment. The liquid letters lifted off of the paper and was sucked into each hand. It gathered up into orbs, then solifiyed in his hands into their original jewel-like form. The two sheets rolled themselves up and vanished, restoring the atmosphere to its void empty space. Ben stored the gems into his right pocket and he removed the gloves.

He pointed toward the ground.

"Lie facedown." he ordered.

"What?" Perry started.

"Come on," Ben motioned for him to lie down. "You have to assume the position you were in when you died. It makes it easier for you to return."

Perry hesitated, but then complied and lied facedown. The pale white felt cool against his cheek. Ben warned, "Some advice. Don't wander around; you only have a limited amount of time. Also, watch out for the shadows."

He stood over him. "Now close your eyes and take deep breaths."

"Will I ever see you again?" Perry asked.

"You know, you are nicer when you're dead."

The two men smiled and Perry slowly closed his eyes with the image of Ben standing over him burning in his mind.

For a second Perry felt like he was being suffocated. It was becoming harder to breathe. He started to panic, but he still keep his eyes shut tightly. He felt a sickening feeling in his stomach and his ears began to ring at an increasingly loud volume. He felt as if he was being condensed. A sudden jolt ran through his body and his eyes sprang open. His lungs gulped generous amounts of fresh oxygen.

The first thing Perry saw was gravel, then his vision comprehended that he was lying in the middle of a street. He slowly stood up and went to brush the dirt off of him, but found none on him.

"Where am I?" he wondered aloud.

A red mustang was speeding straight towards where Perry was standing. He quickly leapt out of the way. "Hey! Watch where you're going, Jackass!" He yelled after the car that was zooming down the highway. Another car was heading straight for him. He couldn't get out of the way on time, so he just shut his eyes and awaited the oncoming impact.

There was none.

The car continued right through him, undisturbed.

Perry's heart was still thundering in his chest when he rushed over to the sidewalk for safety. Ben's instructions echoed through out his head.

"So I just have to find the person that loves me the most...that shouldn't be too hard."

He muttered as he dodged the passerby's on the sidewalk.

**Faust's Notes: You think you know what happens next? Wangs finger at audience This story is not that predictable. Some plot is now set up. I hope that I got their characters down okay. This chapter felt too OOC for me. I'll try harder next chapter!**

**OH! I love the reviews that you give me! I especially love when people tell me parts they liked or found interesting. If you don't have any, then that's okay too! :D (This chapter didn't really have anything good in it.)**

**I'll start to reply to reviews...sorry I haven't really done it yet. I just love to stare at them...they make me so happy...I also seem to have some fans. O.o Apparently you people actually like what I write and draw. I have received two wonderful emails which I greatly appreciate. They make me cry with joy when I read them! (Yes, I reread them obsessively...I'm sane y'know?)**

**Faust**


	4. My Nostalgia

**Faust's Notes **

**I'm an artist. Not a writer. That's my excuse for the delay.**

**Someone reviewed guessing that it would be Jack who could see Perry, so that gave me this idea. I had to stray from what I originally wrote, which was not having the little bugger in it and I added in this extra chapter. So that took more time.**

**Pairing: JDCox (eventually)**

_**Perry's POV**_

It was weird being dead.

I mean, I guess I accepted it. (For the moment.) All the strange occurrences around me definitely gave me the heads up that something was wrong. I'm going to stick with my "this is just a really bad dream and any second now I'm going to wake up and drink scotch" philosophy.

Standing alone on the sidewalk of Elm Street, there were some big adjustments I had to get used to. For one, apparently no one could see or hear me. At first I thought that everyone was ignoring the crazy man (me) who was diving out of people's way; but then a happy couple blatantly walked straight through me. They walked on unfazed, but gave a slight shiver. Although when I ghosted through them, a pit fell to the bottom of my stomach and I saw fuzzy memories that didn't belong to me. I guess I could pick up brain waves. Dandy.

I headed towards my apartment, and I estimated it would take a 3 hour walk-er….. Float. I double-took at my feet to see them inches off of the ground. Shocked, I fell back down to my feet. I had to admit…it was kind of…cool. I concentrated hard and jumped. Hovering for a bit, I dropped back down.

"I don't suppose I could find someone here who could teach me "Floating 101" can I?"

I continued on the lengthy trail to my place when I noticed that I was doing it again. It felt like I was holding my breath, but I didn't feel the need to breathe. Speaking of which, I was still breathing.

"Old habits die hard."

The time passed quickly and before I knew it, I was already in front of my old(?) apartment. I walked up to the door to the building and was surprised when my hand ghosted through the knob.

Perry.

Ghost.

What did I expect? Me just opening the door with my DEAD hands and waltzing in, continuing life regularly. I tried to knock, but my hand effortlessly slipped through the wood. I shrugged and figured that the ghost clichés must be true.

Wrong.

Half-way through, I was stuck.

Struggling to get free, I jerked my body to be away from my "door-captive", but it held onto me like sticky molasses. Trudging through quick-sand, I finally freed myself from the door's grasp, feeling some exhaustion. I stopped to catch my breathe for a minute before climbing the stairs up to my room.

When I arrived at my door, I realized that I was going to go the whole, "I stick in stuff" situation. I shook my head. Not gonna happen.

I braced myself against the opposite wall and pushed off, giving myself a running head start.

It worked.

I flew clean through the door with no complications.

What awaited in my room though, made my eyes widen with shock. The room was dim with darkness, only slim rays of sunlight streamed through the blinds. Most of my possessions was gone, only settled dust covered the long forgotten carpet. Floating around, I realized that this room looked fitting for a ghost.

Memories of something long forgotten.

Had I really expected Jordan to be here? Part of me said yes, that she would want to hold onto the memories of me that was kept in this place. The other part was more logical. Of course she would pack up and leave, no doubt selling some of my belongings to help pay for her new boob job. She would run away and escape, leaving my past in her new alligator-skinned shoe's dust.

I sighed and contemplated on what to do next. I turned around and gave one last look at my apartment before running through the door and back out on the streets. I just hoped that she hadn't moved on to quickly, and she still stayed in the same place.

--

Perry finally reached the apartment where Jordan was staying at. He tried to open the door, and then he remembered that he couldn't when his hand ghosted through the knob again. He sighed and gave himself a running start before jumping through the wall. There were no difficulties this time.

There she was.

Jordan's back faced him and she was bent over something. _"Is-is that a baby cradle!?"_ Perry exclaimed in his head. He didn't want to scare her, so he hesitated, and then softly whispered,

"Jordan?"

She spun around and gasped. "Now look," he started. "I know this seems weird but-"

"Oh Raul, you naughty boy."

Perry was confused by her statement, but then he whirled around and saw a Latino boy wearing only a Speedo. She walked, unknowingly, into Perry's open arms then through them and dragged the most likely not even legal boy into her bedroom, leaving Perry and the baby alone in the room.

Perry was so positive that Jordan would be able to see him, and now that she obviously couldn't, he did not have a clue who that person could be anymore. "So someone out here loves me more than her." He glared bitterly at the closed bedroom door. "Not surprising, considering the old bat she was."

Puzzled by the cradle in the room, he walked over to it and peered inside. A young baby boy was nestled in his crib, sucking his thumb. _"Who the hell is this?"_ Perry wondered. The child looked vaguely familiar and was beginning to sprout fiery orange curls. He walked over and absentmindedly ran his fingers gently through the boy's hair.

A voice rang through his head_. "He's yours."_

Perry immediately stopped. _"I have a son?"_ Realization hit him hard. _"I DO have a son!"_ His mind was thrown into a jumbled mess. "_How could I ever forget about him!? He's my only son!"_ Perry frantically searched his shadowed memories for his own son's name.

_"Quinn? No, too gay. J...J...Josh? No. Jordan screwed a guy once with that name. Johnny? John?" _

That name reminded him of JD, and a sad pang hit his heart. He shook his head incredulously and continued trying to rename his son.

_"Justin? God no. Not unless I want him to be in an all boys band and run away with Lance. It already happened to Bobo."_

After a couple minutes of guessing, he came back to John, which brought him back to JD again. Frustrated, Perry scrubbed his hands over his face.

_"I'm trying to remember my own son's name for Christ's sake! I shouldn't waste time thinking about Jackie!"_

And then it suddenly clicked.

He remembered.

"Jack."

Perry shook his head in disbelief while continuously stroking Jack's cheek and repeating the name like a mantra. Something was wrong. He would never in his right mind forget about his child. "I'll never get to hug him again." Perry whispered regretfully.

Jack stirred in his sleep and sleepily cracked an eye open and looked right at his father. Perry froze. Jack was looking straight at him and this time there was no one else behind him. Perry lifted his index finger and moved it back and forth. Sure enough, Jack's shining blue eyes followed it.

"He can see me."

The face he had must have been funny, because Jack let out a happy gurgle and blew a spit bubble. This caused Perry to crack a grin as immense happy relief flooded through him.

"Hah, you love me more than that witch of a mother. Can't say I blame you though."

It felt good to be able to be seen again. Even though Perry would never admit it, the idea of being invisible and not seen or heard scared him. As would anyone. Perry wagged his finger at Jack, and the baby playfully tried to grab at it. Jack's tiny hand passed straight through Perry's and confusion replaced the boy's previous delight.

He, like any normal infant, had never experienced not being able to feel or touch an object right in front of him. Jack's hand grabs turned into furious swipes as he tried to grab his daddy's finger. His face scrunched up in frustration and he gave up and looked at Perry with tear-filled eyes, searching for an explanation.

"It makes sense that you can't touch me. I am dead after all."

Jack looked like he was going to cry any second, so Perry quickly thought to hum him a lullaby. It was all he could do. His low chorded voice soothed Jack and the tired child's eyelids sleepily drooped until they remained shut and his chest rose and fell in rhythmic movements. Perry sighed and settled down onto the couch nearby the crib.

_"Wait."_ he thought. _"I can go through walls, but I can somehow sit on this couch?"_

Seconds after he thought that, he fell right through the sofa onto the carpet floor. "Damn!" He swore as he got up. He forced himself not to think about any sort of logic as he carefully sat down again. It was not hard because his mind was kept busy on what to do now.

_"Ben didn't tell me what to next. Now what?" _He scowled.

His friend was more annoying dead than alive.

Settling his hands in his lap, Perry weighed his options. He could stay here and watch over his son like a guardian angel.

_"Although, I'm hardly what you call an "angel"."_ He snorted. _"Actually, I'm perfectly in the middle."_

What else was there to do besides sit and wait? The only other places Perry went to was the local bar and the hospital. He groaned upon thinking of that place. Even though he constantly complained and called that place a hellhole, the Sacred Heart hospital was his life. There wasn't much to do without it.

_"I need to find another hobby." _He sighed_. "Let's see the old sea gnome try to take away a dead man's hobby." _

He had been referring to Jordan because she took virtually everything in the divorce, but he stopped himself when he realized what he had just done. He called himself dead. Probably more than once now. He growled at his last thought, and suddenly paused when his hand passed over a bulge in his pocket. There was nothing in his pants when he had first rearrived on Earth, so he wondered how it had gotten there. He dismissed the idea and inserted his hand into his pocket. His fingertips brushed against a cold surface. Curious, Perry dug deeper and retrieved a silver whistle.

_"What the hell?"_ He held up the chain that it was attached to and it glinted in the light.

_"Nice, what's next? A diamond-studded cell phone that plays, "If I were a rich girl" every time it rings?"_

Engraved on the side of the whistle was tiny letters that Perry had to squint to read.

_"Blow me."_

He smirked at the innuendo that the monkey-headed surgeon, The Todd would have jumped on.

"_Eh...what the hell..."_ He shrugged and pressed his lips against the cool metal and softly blew, hoping that Jack couldn't hear the mystical item. But no noise came out. Confused, he examined it. It looked like a normal, silver whistle. He blew harder until he was out of breath, but it would not emit any sound.

"Lousy piece of junk." he muttered as he pocketed it.

A loud _**"BANG!"**_ was heard and magically, Ben appeared in front Perry, holding a clipboard and covering his ears.

"OKAY! OKAY!" He complained loudly. "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST COUPLE TIMES YOU BLEW THAT THING, THEN I BELIEVE THAT I WAS BECOMING DEAF THE LAST HUNDRED TIMES."

The sound, upon Ben's arrival was so great, that it knocked Perry onto his back. Amazingly, Jack remained unfazed and kept on napping.

"WOW, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO FIND YOUR CONNECTION THIS QUICKLY." He practically shouted. Apparently Ben's hearing had not yet recovered.

Perry restored the whistle from his pocket and made the connection between the two. Perry placed the whistle in-between his lips again and blew hard. Ben's hands immediately flew up to his ears.

"AH! WHAT?! I'M ALREADY HERE!!" Ben screeched.

Apparently, only Ben could hear it. A sly grin slid on the doctor's face when he said," Ben, this is like a doggie whistle. You know that, yes? But wait- I don't- I don't se your collar around your neck, but I'm sure that the afterlife has a pretty tight leash on you."

Ben frowned, but Perry was on a roll and there was no stopping him. "If you did in fact be a good little puppy and decide to put on your collar, I bet the tag would read, "Hi! My name is Ben and I'm dead annoying."

Ben's eyes lit up. "You called me dead."

Perry's eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah, so?"

"Well, I mean…some people go into denial when someone close to them dies. You were one of those people."

"I was naught in denial, Ben."

Ben shrugged. "Don't deny being in denial." And with that he checked his clipboard and asked. "So where's your connection?"

Perry motioned over to the crib and stated, "My son, Jack. Although, he can't touch me."

Ben frowned and re-checked his clipboard. "No…that can't be right."

Perry neck snapped to look at him. "What do you mean by that!?" he demanded. "I found the person who can see me. It's Jack."

He walked to the crib to demonstrate, but Jack was still sleeping, comfortably snuggled into the soft peach blanket wrapped around him. Perry settled with just stroking his cheek. "I was so sure it would be your sister, imagine my surprise when she and her new Puerto Rican boy toy waltzed straight through me."

Not looking up, Ben replied, "That's just the way she is. Oh, and by the way, this is not your connection, so there."

What he said was just so sudden, that Perry had to double-take a him. Ben stuck out his tongue in a child like fashion and crossed his eyes at him, angering the older doctor even more with his childishness.

Sighing, finally becoming serious again, Ben said, "Look Perry, this is not your connection. I don't really know why Jack can see you, but I assure you that it's not him."

Perry eyed Ben and his clipboard. "I take it you know who it is then?"

Ben answered with a simple, "Yep." But thought better of it and added, "I can't tell you who it is though. Part of this experience is to dive deep into your heart and to find the answer. Or to be a good guesser."

Not caring, he swiped at the clipboard and managed to successfully snatch it from Ben's hands. Before he could protest, Perry looked at the clipboard and read it.

"_**Curls are over-rated."**_

Fuming, he handed it back to Ben's expecting hands and warned, "Please tell me that you don't just carry around that thing to look important."

"No, I can actually read what's really on here. It'll just look like that only to you."

"Why's that?"

Ben smirked. "In case a certain Percival Cox tried to cheat and snatch it away to look at the answer."

"Oh."

They sat on the couch in silence for a couple of minutes while Ben looked confusedly at his clipboard.

"How old is Jack?" He asked, breaking the silence.

"Almost two years old."

Something clicked.

"That makes sense." Ben muttered.

Perry gave him a look that said, _"I want answers."_ Ben rubbed his face tiredly and inhaled loudly. "I guess there's no harm in telling you." The doctor looked expectantly at him, so he began.

"Look, when a child's soul is born, it is pure and still has some connection to the spirit world."

"Spirit World?" Perry snorted, amused.

"Gimmie a break. It's the only name I can come up with at the moment what you would understand. I sure can't call it the "afterlife" because they haven't died yet."

Ben took Perry's silence as a sign to continue. "Anyways, it takes awhile for their connection to the outside to fade away. 730 days. That's how long it takes for it to completely sever the connection. One day later, they've become so accustomed to Earth that they cannot see us anymore and they completely forget everything."

Perry stared at his hands. "Jack's almost 2. His birthday will be in about a week. After that…he won't be able to see me. He'll forget me forever. I still can't believe I almost forgot him myself."

"And I still can't believe that you remembered him."

Perry's eyed filled with anger and a furious orange aura swirled around him.

"It WAS you!"

He roared and lunged at his best friend and tackled the surprised Ben to the floor.

"Do you know how horrible it is!?" He demanded while shaking him. "Almost forgetting your own child?! No, you never had a kid. Well guess what? They change you! They automatically have a special place in your heart and you have NO RIGHT to take that away from me!"

Ben kept a blank face and simply stated, "This is why they do that. They erase any memories of young children from the parents. It's better and less painful for the both of them. Plus, we can't have crazy dead parents floating around their children. Eventually the children suffer. If we didn't, think of how insane a child would sound, saying that they could see their dead parents floating next to them. Then they'll be sent to the psych ward as an adult with their helpless parent hovering above them, unable to do a thing!"

Perry snarled, not completely convinced, but never-the-less got up off Ben and turned his back to him.

"I don't suppose saying, "I'm just the messenger" would help any, would it?" Ben mumbled.

Silence was his answer.

Ben rose and uncomfortably rubbed his arms. Things were not going as planned, and he knew how stubborn his friend was. Although, Perry was right. He never settled down long enough to bear a child, so he felt like he missed out a little bit. But then he remembered the local ladies in Cambodia. Worth it.

Ben followed Perry's longing gaze to the sleeping boy and felt some remorse. Still, he cared for his best friend and knew what the man needed to do.

"Perry…" He started. "You can't dwell on him. You are on budgeted time here. You have to find your connection before it's too late."

Perry didn't even grunt out a response. Deep inside though, he knew that he was right.

Ben grabbed his clipboard and searched for the right thing to say before he departed.

"Search deep within your heart. It'll be the person you least expect it to be."

Perry wanted to ask what the hell that meant, but decided that it would do him no good. At least he was learning.

He settled with glancing at his friend over his shoulder and pointing out, "That sounded so terribly cheesy, that it should belong in a Star Wars movie. Do you get Spanish soap operas in heaven, because I swear you must've been watching one too many to pick up that cheesy line."

Ben cracked a grin.

"No entiendo."

With that, Ben disappeared with his trademark smile planted on his face. Perry switched his gaze back to his sleeping soundly son who had inserted his thumb into his mouth. Perry allowed a rare smile to dance along his lips. He had to admit, his son was pretty cute and he loved him.

Perry leaned down and kissed his smooth forehead before- _**"FLASH!"**_

A camera flash went off and ruined the touching scene.

"Shoot." Ben complained as he examined his camera. "I thought I turned the flash off."

"Bennnnn……" Perry gritted his teeth dangerously.

Ben assessed the dangerousness of the situation by how many veins he could count throbbing on the doctor's head; and disappeared before Perry decided to tackle him again, but not before taunting him with,

"Cute, huh? This is so going up on my SpiritSpace page."

With Ben officially gone now, Perry gave one final look at Jack, and floated out of the room.

"Where to go now? Well, where else to go?"

Perry pulled out a silver whistle, much to Ben's agony, and blew it as hard as he could all the way over to the Sacred Heart hospital.

**Faust's Notes**

**So, what do you think? Like any parts?**

**Sorry for the delay. But there's more art up on my profile page! **

**Oh…can some of you please take the poll I have up? It would really help me with my stories! :D**

**I promise, JD is in the next chapter! I miss him….**


	5. My Lasting Impression

My Life or Death Wish List

Chapter 5

**A/N: How long has it been? XD Too long by far. Time for me to continue this. Gotta say, I wouldn't have the motivation to do so without the help of xYuki-Kitsunex. She is an amazing Scrubs fan and friend. She even drew me fanart of this Fic!**

**(It's linked on my profile if you wanna see) **

**Check her out if you haven't already. I know I have. ;)**

Perry had finally decided to give his deceased friend some peace and he attached the silver chain around his neck and tucked the abused whistle under his shirt. Mainly because he had arrived at the back entrance to the Sacred Heart hospital. He floated up to the sliding doors and became impatient when the automatic sliding glass refused to open.

"Come on you stupid piece of junk." He muttered.

It was annoying, the first couple of times the door broke. New interns somehow felt the tendency to stick whatever random objects they had in their pockets into the door, causing the grouchy Janitor to actually earn his pay and for the whole grumbling staff to take a detour to get to their vehicles. The doctor waved his hands infront of the sensor, getting no reaction from it. He frustratedly sighed and kicked the doors to vent his anger. Or, atleast tried to. It seemed as if his foot made contact, but it passed straight through, causing his whole body to fall tumbling past the doors. He grumbled as he picked up himself and thought,

"Atleast I didn't get stuck this time."

He scolded himself and reminded that he could actually through things now. A handy ability, that took a lot of getting used to.

Dr. Cox exhaled and tried to formulate a plan. He had already arrived at the hospital, now who to go to? He decided to just do the quickest thing and float around the hospital until someone flipped out, seeing the doctor. In an attempt to tone down the whole "Ghost" factor, Dr. Cox dropped back down onto his feet and walked.

Being back in the familiar territory visibly changed him. An important step was added to his gait and his face held an authoritative tone. He felt needed and helpful again. Until Nurse Tisdale walked straight through him. Flashes of surgery and expenses over-shadowed his vision. It was like a cinema of her life playing before him in his mind. It faded as soon as it came though, but the brief information he saw caused him to devilishly grin.

"I knew they were fake."

Dr. Cox neared the Nurse's Station without anyone spluttering about seeing a dead ghost doctor, which confirmed his beliefs that his connection had to be Carla. Why wouldn't she be? They had been old friends for many years, starting out rocky in their internship, but gradually ceased butting heads frequently and formed a truce which blossomed into a strange, but fitting friendship.

Dr. Cox floated up to the counter and instantly recognized the back of those brown, wavy curls. Carla's back faced him and she seemed to be shuffling papers around aimlessly. Just as she was about to turn around, he flung himself under the counter.

"What am I doing!" he questioned.

He felt nervous because he knew that Carla did not take death well. Sure enough, he peeked over the counter top and caught a look at her bloodshot eyes.

"Christ." He muttered. He never expected Carla to take it this hard. She looked up and a light shone in her dead eyes.

"Baby!" she exclaimed.

_"Crap! I've been spotted!"_ "Um…look Carla, don't freak out but…"

He followed her gaze and saw that she was, in fact, addressing the black surgeon, Turk. He held his arms wide open as he approached and bellowed.

"C'mon baby! Gimmie some sugar!"

Dr. Cox quirked an eyebrow, "I know that you must be ecstatic to see me, but that last statement better not have been directed at me."

Thankfully, the surgeon passed by unnoticing and circled around the corner to his lover. Carla just glared at him and slapped his arm.

"Awww, come on baby!" Turk complained, "How long are you going to dwell on him?"

This earned him another smack before Carla's eyes welled up with a fresh batch of tears.

"He was a great man." She hissed, dangerously low. "I can't believe you can just move on like nothing happened."

Turk tiredly sighed and ran a hand over his head. "Look, I know you're upset. Everyone was-is. But it's been TWO weeks."

Dr. Cox snapped his head up and stared at them incredulously. He has no idea he had been gone that long. Turk continued on, "Look Baby, he was a great man; Brilliant. I won't deny that. But don't you think that he would want you to move on?"

Dr. Cox evilly grinned. "Not at all, Milk dud, I want her to remember me forever!"

Carla sniffed and wiped her eyes. "No, I think he would want me to remember him forever." She shakily laughed.

Dr. Cox's grin widened. "She knows me well."

Carla allowed Turk to embrace her. He rubbed soothing circles on her back as soft sobs wracked her body. Dr. Cox smiled sadly. "Ssh, shh." Turk comforted. "He was a great man, and I respected him. You know he'll always hold a place in our hearts forever." Carla glanced up with hopeful eyes.

"Yeah?"

Turk planted a kiss on her forehead.

"Yeah." He confirmed.

"Awwwww!" Dr. Cox fake-wiped away a tear. "I really hold a place in your hearts forever? Bah!" Although, he couldn't deny the warm feeling he felt inside.

Unable to watch the touching scene any longer, Dr. Cox turned around and went to leave but the sight of a certain blonde doctor made him stop.

"Hey Carla, Ummm…"

Dr. Cox noticed that her voice had gotten huskier. Elliot froze at the scene taking place and stopped midsentence. Her face was a kaleidoscope of emotions and without another word she marched straight into the nearby supply closet on her left and he hear the lock "Click" shut.

"Oh God, not again." The couple simultaneously groaned.

Curious, Dr. Cox floated up to the shut door. "Oh Barbie? What will I ever do since you locked the door on me?"

His voice was dripping with sarcasm. He cleared his mind, concentrated, put on his best mischievous grin and thrusted is head straight through the door, leaving his body on the other side.

"Well, let's see what your hiding, Barbie-"

His words died on his lips and his grin slipped off of his face at the sight of a huddled Dr. Reid huddled in the far corner of the supply closet with her chart pressed against her face in an attempt to halt the shuddering sobs. He recovered his composure and questioned in mock concern,

"Aww, whazzamatter Blondie? Boyfriend run away with his yoga instructor? Oh, don't worry. He's much happier now."

As expected, the insult went unheard upon her ears and he mentally checked her off of his list.

" Still…" Dr. Cox stonily glared at the crying form and was just about to pull his head back out before Elliot started to spout out a garbled amount of words that caught his attention.

"I wish that D-Dr. C-Cox was here…"

His sole attention was now focused on her. "Is that what she's blabbering about?" he wondered in disbelief. He forgot how much she relied on him for his reluctant guidance, for his help with her patients, and the occasional attempt to get to know him better; which always failed. Unable to watch anymore, he tugged his head back out, which gave him little resistance, and now he was at a loss of what to do.

Dr. Kelso and Ted were stalking the halls and they passed by the ghost. Dr. Cox visibly noticed that his absence took a toll on both the men's heads. Dr. Kelso had numerous amounts of graying areas causing his total hair color to be graying-white and Ted's sad tufts of hair seemed strangely thinner. Dr. Cox barked a laugh. Atleast there was some highlights to being dead. His ears pricked up as he caught some of the conversation the two were having.

"…Can't keep doing this." Kelso sighed and shook his head.

Ted swallowed nervously and tried to keep up with the man's forceful step. "Look Sir, a record number of people have died over the past two weeks."

Kelso put on a tired smile. "Atleast he comes back today. Can't believe I let him take all of his vacation time though. I never thought that the hospital would be impacted this much without them. It's falling apart."

"Sir, do you mean-?"

The two men walk out of Dr. Cox's earshot, so he had to jog up behind them to hear the rest.

"-nce he comes back today, I won't be the one having to cover all of these damn patients!"

The Chief of Medicine then unexpectedly turned into patient's room. Dr. Cox had to retract back because he walked right past the doorway. When he entered the room, Dr. Kelso was examining the sleeping patent's chart. Ted was in the middle of asking,

"-ir, What about his, ""Condition"?"

Kelso placed the chart back into the slot and turned to walk out. "Why, have you heard anything?" He growled.

Ted struggled to keep up with the man's once again, fast pace.

"I bet it's all of the youthful souls he eats that keeps him so lively." Dr. Cox yelled from behind them.

They kept on walking and Dr. Cox crossed them off his mental list, not really expecting them to be on there in the first place. Ted answered Kelso with the question,

"Isn't no news good news sir?"

Kelso glowered at the poor man and grumbled, "You're an idiot, Ted."

They rounded a corner and a mop stuck out and tripped the lawyer. The Chief of Medicine let out a gall of laughter and stepped over the sad heap on the floor. The last thing he heard Kelso say was.

"I hired a temporary doctor in his place. I won't let this hospital fall down on it's knee's just because we lost it's best doctor."

Ted, sprawled out on the floor with a look of hurt and betrayal on his face, could only ask, "Why?"

Now it was the Janitor's turn to have hurt be placed upon his face. "Now Ted," he started, crouching over the man. "Why would you think I did that? It's obvious who the culprit was."

The Janitor leaned closer to the fallen man with a serious expression on his face. "It was-" Shadows contorted on his face, giving the man an even creepier disposition.

"The Ghost of Dr. Cox!" He boomed.

This held Dr. Cox's full attention. "What?" He exclaimed.

Ted just started blankly at him, then asked, "Why do you have a flashlight under your chin?"

The Janitor showed a look of defeat as he stood up and flicked the device off.

"Special effects." He muttered.

Dr. Cox rolled his eyes. "As if I would pull petty tricks with cleaning utilities."

Ted shook his head as he stood up and walked away. Dr. Cox caught his whispering, "You shouldn't be doing that…" under his breath.

"You don't believe me now, but you shall see!" The Janitor yelled after him with a twinge of a medieval accent. "His ghost has come back to haunt us all!"

Dr. Cox snorted, but then realized just how close he was to the truth.

His eye involuntarily twitched as he bent over to pick up his fallen mop. Dr. Cox marched right up to him and stated. "You're so full of crap."

He heard the Janitor mumble, "It's no fun if Scooter isn't around."

"What?" Dr. Cox asked, but the Janitor continued to mutely mop the same area in small circles. The doctor could feel his fiery temper rising.

"Look Jolly-Green, you'd better not be ignoring me or so help me I will take that mop and shove it so far up your ass that you'll have to mop the floor with your mouth." The Janitor stopped mopping abruptly and leaned over to Dr. Cox's face.

"**Boo."**

Initially, the only look Dr. Cox could muster was complete and utter surprise. _"Is this man so poorly treated, that his occasional beer buddy is the closest person to him?"_ He wondered in disbelief. "What the-" He started, but was interrupted.

"Ugh- don't do that man." Doug complained while rubbing the back of his neck eerily. Goosebumps claimed his skin.

"It wasn't me!" The Janitor protested. "It was the ghost of Doctor Cox!" The said ghost doctor scowled at the desecration of his title. He didn't like Lurch blaming him for his petty tricks.

"I'm dead. Leave me alone." The annoyed doctor grumbled. He left the phony to his cleaning, (Hah!) and whistling, which he had begun to do, and floated back to the familiar and somewhat comforting Nurse's Station.

Carla was organizing patent's charts and she was frequently called into rooms for assistance. Turk was following her around like a lost puppy. After about three patients, the Latina nurse suddenly whirled around to face her husband. "Don't you have people to go cut up?" she practically shrieked. Obviously the stress was getting to her.

"C'mon Baby! There are practically no surgeries today and I only have some scheduled for later. Besides, most of the patient's have medical conditions. As much as I'd like to help you, I'm not trained for this kind of stuff. You know that Honey." Even though Turk's statement was logical, Carla wanted to refuse to believe it.

"Ugh. I can't wait for JD to come back, so you two can follow each other around."

At that she stormed off into another patient's room and this time, Turk was smart enough not to follow her. Dr. Cox quirked an eyebrow at the quarrel that had just took place. He gathered that there weren't enough competent doctors at Sacred Heart, and the surgeons were bored and annoying the medical staff for something to do.

"Why don't you send all of the surgical staff through med school and actually teach them about medicine, then they'd be more competent then they are now. Believe me; it's worth the eight year wait."

He waited at the station for some time, unsure of what path to take next when he noticed that the station was more crowded than usual. "Slow day." He thought, but people just kept on coming, as if waiting for something. Finally to top it off, Bob Kelso was seen in the crowd.

"Wow, Bobo actually leaving his office? There must be a muffin convention around."

The door to the floor opened, but the being who had entered the area was not one who Perry recognized. Still, his presence captured the attention of all who had gathered to see him. Slowly, he trudged onward to the station, aware of the eyes that stared, but was uncaring. Dr. Cox blended into the crowd and felt as if he could cut the tension with a knife. The awkward silence was choking the atmosphere and Dr. Cox desperately wished for someone to break it, as well as many employees there did.

"What the hell is going on?" Perry griped loudly, more so to himself though, because he knew that no one could hear him.

Carla was waiting to pounce behind the nurse's station and she held the look of a mother watching her child walk to his death. "-Bambi-" she whispered with hesitance, but Turk caught her arm and shook his head. "Later." He mouthed.

"Bambi? Isn't that who she calls-?"

Bob Kelso stepped out in front of the crowd and cleared his throat as the man approached them. Refusing to make eye contact, they both stopped and waited in silence, neither one wanting to start. Kelso finally grunted and said in monotone,

"On behalf of all of Sacred Heart and its staff, we welcome you back Dr. Dorian."

With this Kelso held out what seemed to be his patient's charts. He paused for a moment before reaching up and taking the familiar clipboards; his face still unreadable as the Chief of Medicine marched away with Ted scuttling after him. The crowd that had accumulated had been to disperse and scatter, no longer interested in the scene. Only Dr. Cox remained, unable to believe his eyes. He didn't recognize him at all.

"There's no way…" he whispered. "What the hell happened to you John?"

As the man studied his charts, the ghost slowly came closer with his arms folded over his chest as he examined his appearance. JD's hair was not gelled back in its normal fashion. His dark chocolate locks lay limp on his forehead. His blue, doe eyes seemed to have lost all light, leaving them dull and unreflecting. The most obvious feature though, was his unshaven, snatching away any innocent demeanor he had left. He just remained there, carefully looking at the pile of charts. Carla opened her mouth but Turk covered it and pulled her back.

"What!" she whispered, annoyed.

"Let him come to you." He murmured and released her.

"What is he, a dog!" she hissed.

"He would make a good playmate for Rowdy…"

"TURK!"

"C'mon Baby, just let him be alone for awhile. He know that we are here for him and just letting him come to us on his own accord-" "OHMYGODHIJD!"

Turk was cut off by Elliot shrieking and running up to hug JD.

"Nobody listens to me!" The surgeon threw up his arms. "But look baby, he'll probably snap at her."

He waited excitedly while Carla just rolled her eyes, but still watched, anticipating the outcome. JD froze under the Blonde's embrace for a second, and then returned the gesture. Turk slammed down his hands and rounded the Nurse's Station with his arms spread wide to join the hug.

"I always knew my Vanilla Bear would be fine!"

Dr. Cox and Carla had a commutative eye-roll. JD paused briefly, and then put a smile on his face. "Whazzup Chocolate Bear?"

Carla finally broke out into a dazzling smile and joined the fray herself. "Oh Bambi, it's good to have her back." She mused while mussing up his hair. "It's nice to be able to touch your hair without having my fingers glued together." She teased.

The gang laughed and a light mood was spread and yet the deceased doctor couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness. His death seemed to have a large impact on the staff at Sacred Heart, but besides his appearance, JD seemed to be unaffected by the older doctor's absence.

"What didja do? Grieve in the massive mount of time it takes for you to apply your makeup Sharron?" He spat sourly. Dr. Cox was disgusted by the happy scene and started to head off in search of someone else, but then JD broke away from the group while juggling his charts.

"Okay, okay. I have to go save lives now." The younger doctor cheered.

"Good luck Bambi."

"See ya' V-Bear!"

He started to walk away when Elliot hesitantly called out,

"A-are you sure you're okay JD?"

He kept on walking but replied in a happy tone,

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Dr. Cox could only stare wide-eyed at JD's face when he walked past him. Judging by his expression, he was everything but okay.

Dr. Cox quickly jogged after JD to catch another glimpse of his face, but whatever possessed his facial features before was gone and replaced with a happy-go-lucky grin. JD flew on, eager to help cure his patients and Dr. Cox was practically running after him, out of breath. (HAH! Out of Breath! Dead Humor.)

"Hey Dr. Dorian." Someone who Dr. Cox recognized as Newbie's Annoying Intern #B stopped him. "Nice new hairdo."

She scrunched her nose up at obvious disapproval of it. "What happened, run out of cement?"

"Hah," JD gave a sarcastic laugh. "I missed you too Diana."

The intern let out a sigh of relief and lightly patted him on the shoulder. "Welcome back Dr. Dorian." JD's grin broadened, but then slowly slid of when she started singing, "Welcome Back Kotter" for the occasion.

"Welccome baaack! To the place you once dreamed about!" His face became impossible to read and Diana's cheerful singing died upon her lips, leaving the young doctor in a stony silence and the intern flustered in embarrassment. "I-I'm sorry." She stuttered out, obviously not expecting this kind of reaction. "I thought it would be fitting to sing that song; wasn't it the song we all sang to Doctor Co-"

"NO!" JD suddenly shouted, causing both intern and ghost to jump at the force of his voice. He sighed and folded his arms before continuing with, "No, no. It's fine."

But it sounded like he was something more like, "I'm fine."

Dr. Cox shook his head, bewildered by the situation. "I'm sorry." She apologized again. "I just thought you'd be over him after so long." An eerie smile crept upon JD's face that made Diana and Perry take an involuntary step back.

"Him?"

The intern's eyes darted to the floor, frantically trying to focus on something. "You know…" she murmured hesitantly,"Doctor Cox."

A twisted smile contorted on his face, but it was what he said that made them look at him with horror.

"Who?" he questioned. "I don't know who you are talking about."


	6. My Dead Doctor

**AN: Ehehehehehe. *twirls mustache* Faust here!**

**It's been forever guys! I've seen that some scrubs writers have updated their works after years so I'll hop on that too. *coughs MyHardTime cough***

**I've waited to write this scene ever since this was an idea in my head. **

**I just have to say a huge THANK YOU for all the reviews I received, even though I hadn't updated in forever. All the begging and pleading and shameless flattery worked- Here's a long overdue update. **

**Enjoy~**

_"You know…" she murmured hesitantly,"Doctor Cox."_

_A twisted smile contorted on his face, but it was what he said that made them look at him with horror._

_"Who?" he questioned. "I don't know who you are talking about."_

"Who? I don't know who you are talking about."

"What?" Dr. Cox yelled from behind them. This...this was ridiculous.

"Don't know who- Newbie-Jesus! Is this some kind of sick joke? I-it's me."

Before Percival was able to produce more words, JD started off to begin his rounds, trying to pick up the slack and calm down the mayhem that the absent doctors created. Perry found himself following his protege automatically, analyzing his moves and seeing how he functioned with his patients.

Dr. Dorian wore the same goofy grin with his patients, yet held an air of confidence that they needed to cling to for hope. His bed side manner was impeccable and he quickly and efficiently diagnosed the sick with an impressive swiftness that had even Dr. Cox's eyebrows raised in impressed surprise. He had always kept JD under his careful watchful eye, but something was different. It was as if Dorian was completely focused on his patients and was either oblivious to the world around him, or was just blocking out his surroundings.

It wasn't until an intern approached him that he snapped out of his stupor.

"Dr. Dorian?" A timid intern must have heard about his sudden bout of craziness and decided to be careful in her choosing her words. She glanced down to her clipboard to check the words she wrote down to make sure she didn't slip up.  
"Um-Sacred Heart hired a- uh-" She swallowed nervously as he stared at her. "A replacement-no that's not right…a uh- TEMPORARY doctor to help and he w-would like to meet you."

JD broke out into a smile, calming the stuttering intern.

"I'd love to meet him. I should thank him for his hard work here while I was away."  
She grinned and turned away, "Okay! I'll go get hi-"

"There is no need for that."

JD's eyes widened as the doctor steadied the intern that just ran into him.  
"Oh t-thank you." She stuttered nervously and quickly scurried away.

The man ran his hand through his fiery red curls and flicked his nose in a familiar fashion that could only mimic one.  
JD's throat ran dry and he could only stare at the man who's features where so similar. Meanwhile, Perry's reaction could only mirror JD's, except his mouth was open in silent horror.

"Impossible…" He whispered.

The man smiled warmly as JD almost flinched away. He extended his hand out, offering a handshake. "You must be Dr. Dorian."

_"There's no way in hell…"_

JD slowly extended his arm after a mental shake and realized that his imagination must be playing tricks on him and he grasped the hand. The other doctor's grin widened as he used his other hand to swing around and grab JD into a massive bear hug.  
JD's eyes prickled with tears as memories tempted to flood up as he smelled scotch and spices that just distinctly smelled like…Perry.  
It was strange. JD did not know the man. It wasn't Perry. Even though he had he same icy blue eyes and Irish curls that could only belong to one. Still, he didn't pull away from the overly friendly hug, instead just sinking into it.  
The man pulled away and stared at JD with concern. "Sorry about that son, you looked like you needed that."

Dr. Cox slowly started to back away.  
"He can't be real."

The doctor threw JD a toothy grin. "My name is Dr... Rhys, it's nice to see the young doctor everyone here is talking about."

The whole situation was ironic. Dr. Cox was dead himself but he knew for a fact that he was staring at a ghost. "Get away from him you bastard!" He growled.

Dr. Rhys smiled and invited Dr. Dorian to walk with him. "Please let me update you on the situation here."

Any thoughts of ditching the kid to go find his"special person" before were dashed as Perry resolved to not leave Newbie alone with this man.

JD listened to the man's low rumble dully as his mind drifted off. Some God must have it out for him because so soon... so soon after...all Dr. Rhys reminded him of was HIM. The smell, the looks. From the nose swiping to the voice. Everything. Except he was older and while his eyes contained the blue sapphires, they were cold and hard. They didn't give JD the feeling that he'd melt on the spot. The doctor then waved farewell, leaving an empty feeling in JD's chest. As if someone took something and replaced it with a lesser quality product. Doctor Rhys then sneered at seemingly nothing and continued on.

Perry practically gulped as the intense stare was directed at him. So full of hatred. No good intentions. But then he moved on as if nothing had happened.

JD closed his eyes and knew that if he didn't find a secluded area soon, that he'd break apart in front of everyone. He had tried SO HARD to remain strong but... JD ran into he nearest on call room, covering his mouth with his hands while praying to God no one saw him. He slammed the door and locked it, scanning the room to see if there were any witnesses. The room was clear and JD's shaking increased from his hands to his whole body. Dr. Cox walked through effortlessly and stood with his arms folded and leaned against the wall, wishing he could do something. He could only listen to the mans choked sobs.

"Not real. He doesn't exist. He never did. It's easier this way."

Percival's hairs stood up on his neck. Did he really leave such an impact on this man? Still, he was pissed. JD could just...forget him? Poof! Gone without a thought? Perry guessed that JD just never really cared for him in the first place. That thought just ticked him off even more.

JD buried his face in his hands and practically rocked himself.  
"He never existed...he means nothing...he'll go away..."

A sudden wave of hurt washed over the man as he started to yell at his once protege. He knew his rants would go deaf on his ears, yet Perry could not stop the slew of words that tumbled from his lips.

"Really JD? Heh...I guess you are just like the rest of the sad sacks in this goddamn hospital. Well you know what? SCREW YOU. I thought...I thought you were different. But I see now. You just run away from your problems. Try to block it out to stop the ouchies huh? TOUGH. Life is pain."

JD's hands retracted from his lowered face and curled into fists into the on call room bed sheets.

"Well fine. You wanna play this game? Then here's some irony for you. YOU are dead to ME."

JD shot up suddenly, screaming, "SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP!" He raised his fists and started to pound them on Perry's chest as tears dripped from his nose and streamed down his cheeks. "Stop following me! LEAVE ME ALONE. You don't exist!"

Perry caught his wrists gently, halting the assault. JD's head slowly came forward and his forehead touched Perry's chest.  
"Not real. Definitely a dream." He mumbled. Perry stood there, stunned at the contact. Not knowing what to do and overwhelmed at the situation, Percival wrapped his arms around the defeated form in front of him in a sort of a hug, but-would-never-admit-it.

"Okay NOW I know I'm dreaming." He snorted. He pushed away and the small twinkle of light that began to shine in his eyes faded leaving them sunken.  
"You'd never hug me. You'd already have called me three girls names by now." The tired man wrapped his arms around himself. "You are too nice. You aren't him. You are what my mind wishes for him to be."

Dr. Cox didn't know himself why he wasn't being the same calloused man who didn't give a damn that he normally was. Maybe it was because his mind was in a jumble and he couldn't fully grasp the situation. As much as he wanted to piece together what in the hell was going on, he still had a hysterical Newbie on his hands.  
When Perry snapped out of his thoughts he found JD pacing the floor, mumbling broken pieces of sentences along the lines of, "I don't wanna go to therapy. Cant afford it. They scare me. I am really going crazy..."

"Hey..." Perry tried.

"Oh God, what would my Nana say?"

"Hey!"

"-and my MOTHER."

"SHELIA!"

JD halted for a moment, slowly grinning and shaking his head. "Much better..."

Perry practically rolled his eyes in relief. "Are you done playing, "Oh poor me my sanity has slipped once more", spiel? Cause that tune is getting old." His voice held no bite in it though due to the flood of happiness of acknowledgment and it came out more so teasingly.

"The rants...they are too real..." JD whispered in disbelief. "Either I am too far lost in my imagination or you are real."

Perry extended his arms out in a, "So-What-Of-It" gesture.

JD's face scrunched up. "But no...I saw your body...I saw..." His gaze lowered. "Your legs..." He reached out his hand as if to touch it. "They were crushed in the crash."

Perry resisted the urge to flex his legs, grateful for his body's pristine form. "Well as you can see Newbie-_God it felt good to say that_- I am here. Although I can't blame you for admiring this Adonis body, but seriously you are going to have to get back to work someday."

JD snorted, although it was short lived. He curled into himself once more. His voice was very tiny, but the Irishman could hear a soft, "Why?" escape his lips.

Perry blinked. "Why what?"

JD kept his face lowered. "Why did you do it? Why did you fake your death?"

Percival's eyes widened. He didn't know...

JD's voice slowly rose its timber. Rising higher than the initial whisper it started out to be. "Do you know what you put me through? Put Carla through? Put us ALL through?"

"JD..."

"These past couple WEEKS I couldn't even FUNCTION. Everything around me is breaking apart. I couldn't tell dreams from reality, I was so messed up."

"Newbie wait..." Perry backed up at JD's slow climb. His voice growing louder and louder.

Did...did Newbie care this much for him? Obviously, considering that the kid was here, talking to him, practically shouting now.

"Maybe you did this because the thought of hanging with with me twice for a prolonged period of time would just KILL YOU!" JD's eyes flashed. "You know I blamed myself. I FUCKING BLAMED MYSELF! It's ALL MY FAULT YOU WERE DEAD AND NOW YOU ARE HERE TO FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS AGAIN PERRY? SCREW YOU!"

JD moved to shoved the stunned man, but JD's arms pushed past through him.

JD's eyes blinked owlishly in the silence. He slowly retracted his arms and collapsed on his on his knees as if the breath was knocked out of him.

Perry could still feel the tinges of _-S__adnessRegretTerrorHOPE__-_that contact with JD left him. He watched JD remain motionless before him, hot tears spilling down his face and splashing the floor beneath him. He knew he had to intervene before JD had lost it completely.

He knelt down in front of the weeping man and extended his arm, trying to recreate his thoughts of when he was able to grab JD's wrists and hold him.

_"Need to hold. Need to touch,_" sure enough, his hand came in contact with JD's deflated shoulder, causing him to stiffen under his touch.

"JD," he said slowly, making sure he heard him. "You are NOT crazy...I am dead..."

JD's head sharply turned up and icy blues met deep ones. His eyes begged for answers that Perry couldn't give.  
"Why are you here?"

"Because I am just so amazing that heaven nor hell could contain me."

"B-but are you stuck here?" JD's voiced cracked. Perry tightened his grip. "You gotta stop the waterworks Nancy. Its making your makeup smear."

JD gave a small sniffle but otherwise kept his tears in. He continued.

"Things are so weird right now. But apparently I have a mission. And it surrounds you. But Newbie first I gotta tell you-" **"BEEP BEEP BEEP!"**

JD's pager suddenly went off and he yelped in surprise. He leapt up, quickly rubbed at his eyes and glanced between the pager and Perry for a few seconds.

Perry whistled and pointed at the door. "What the hell are you waiting for? Go! We can talk later."

JD nodded and bolted down the hallway, his calm and controlled doctor mask slipping on.

Perry remembered something and tried to shout after the younger man. "Wait! That new doctor! He-"

But JD's form had already disappeared. The Irishman grit his teeth and clenched his fists. There was no way he was going to let JD go out there not knowing of the danger he could be in. He wasn't anyone's Guardian Angel Goddammit, but he wasn't going to let this man run loose. He finally caught up to the scene of a patient coding.

The crazy dance had started.

Nurses scrambling by, doctors shouting orders, all to the tune of the shrill alarm in the air of the heart monitor. Perry froze when he saw Dr. Rhys being the one in charge. He was applying the chest compressions appropriately and JD was right at his side with the chest paddles at the ready. Percival felt a bite of jealousy and with held his growl to observe the scene. Everyone was performing admirably and Dr. Cox had to admit that he could not have done better. An audible sigh of relief filled the room as the patient's heart restarted and normalized. Dr. Rhys threw a wolfish grin to JD as he peeled off his gloves. "Good job kid." JD blushed and looked down at the praise. Dr. Cox could feel his eye twitch.

"Come on, let me buy you lunch. You just saved a life- let's celebrate."

JD tugged at his sleeve, embarrassed. "Er- no I didn't really. You did most of the work-"

The man put a hand at the small of his back and led him from the ER. "Oh come now, I insist."

Dr. Cox's eyes narrowed. Oh there was no way in hell...

As they went down the Cafeteria line, JD noticed how everyone acted around the new doctor. Nurses would turn their heads, even some of the male ones. The portions on the doctor's plate was noticeably larger too. The Cashier even boldly winked at the man before handing him his change. JD didn't understand the allure though. Sure he was muscular and well toned- which was difficult to get in any gym time in between your job and studying medical journals just to keep up- and he had fiery red curls that rebelled around his head. But he just wasn't- there was no comparison. His eyes, while the same blue, were just not HIS.

JD sat down and grinned sheepishly. There was no reason not to be nice to the new doctor. He had made quite a name for himself at Sacred Heart. He was able to keep the hospital afloat, doing the work for both of the missing doctors. He liked the man, but there was just something off about him...

Dr. Cox felt ridiculous. He was hiding behind a column in the cafeteria, peering from behind it occasionally. Granted no one could see him if he was covered or not, but he didn't want his presence known.. He knew that JD could see him, but he was also pretty sure that so could the so called, 'Dr. Rhys". He two men seemed to have a civil lunch in the middle of the cafeteria. He glared as he recognized the tactics the man was employing.

He was charming JD and Perry didn't think the kid was strong enough to resist. The man was flattering the younger doctor, weaving wondrous tales that were lies of his doctor years and then to top it off he followed up with a sob story about how he was new here and all alone. Wah. Wah. Wah. Then he went in for the kill.

He offered to take JD out for drinks later after their shift. Perry groaned. Judging by the way the hospital staff swooned over him, he had already won their hearts over. It was not a far stretch to know that JD would be as well. JD paused and took a sip from his soda, mulling over the man's words. Sure he was flattered to be offered to hang out with this man after their shift, a thing that Dr. Cox would never do. But that was just it. He wasn't Dr. Cox. And he wasn't about to substitute the man he loved for Dr. Rhys. There was nothing romantic involved in between JD and the doctor. It was obviously extremely platonic and he was more of a father figure if any. Plus while the man was good looking, he had to have at least 20 years or more on JD. Still, JD knew he had other priorities than finding a father figure. He set his drink down.

"I'm sorry, but I have a prior engagement." He gave him a soft smile and stood up. "Thank you for the lunch Dr. Rhys."

The man grinned up at him. "Please, just Rhys. And another time then, Sport."

Perry's heart swelled with pride at JD at his decision. He had underestimated him. He trailed after JD, but not before looking over his shoulder at almost stumbling at the evil glare that was being sent right at him. He threw a glare of his own and ran after JD.

JD had a few more minutes left before his break was over and found himself being veered towards a supply closet by his mentor. His eyes widened questionably but Dr. Cox just barked. "In. Now. We need to talk." JD slammed into the door while Perry continued on, tugging on him.

"Ow! Door! OW. I can't go THROUGH THEM." JD managed to fumble with the handle and was dragged inside, the door slamming shut.

JD picked himself up and was caught being the focus of a serious gaze. He could tell from his jerky movements that Perry was angry. But why? What had he done?

"That was-uh. Good. That was good. You declining that."

Well that was unexpected.

JD blinked and opened his mouth, but Perry cut him off with his hand.

"No no. You gotta listen to me. Let me finish."

Perry breathed out, feeling some of the tension leave from his encounter with the doctor. "Dr. Rhys...is not who you think he is. There is something seriously wrong here."

JD wanted to snort, "_You mean besides the whole, 'ghost' situation?_" But he kept it to himself.

Perry continued on. He heaved a sigh and rubbed his temples.

"I know something is wrong because Rhys is his first name. Do you know what his last is?"

JD swallowed and shook his head. But he started to figure...

"It's Cox. Rhys Gerald Cox. I know this because he is my father. And I know he can't be here because I killed him."

**AN: Dun-dun-DAAAAH! That enough of an update for you?**

**Please review to keep the fires and flames of this fic alight! :D (but no actual flames please)  
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